74. From Relationship Roommates to Ravished: The Hot Monogamy Prescription with Dr. Diane Mueller

So many of us are craving deeper intimacy, but no one ever taught us how to actually talk about sex, desire, or what turns us on. 

In this episode, I’m joined by Dr. Diane Mueller for a conversation about what it takes to keep passion alive in long-term relationships.

We get into the truth about libido (hint: it’s not just hormones), the impact of the nervous system on arousal, and how communication can completely shift the way we connect with our partners. We also talk about hot monogamy, self-pleasure as a tool for empowerment, and the kind of emotional safety that makes real pleasure possible.

If you’ve ever felt like your sex drive disappeared, or you're craving more depth, connection, or fire in your relationship, this one’s for you.

Connect with Dr. Diane:
My Libido Doc Website
YouTube
Instagram

Jump to the mic drop moments...
0:00 Intro
8:30 The Steps To An Open Communication
16:00 Navigating Vulnerability in Conversations
25:05 The Importance of Scheduling Intimacy
34:33 Anatomy and Orgasm: Understanding Individual Differences
40:22 Emotional Connections and Past Experiences

Connect with Kristin:
Website
Instagram
YouTube

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Chapters

• 0:00 Intro
• 8:30 The Steps To An Open Communication
• 16:00 Navigating Vulnerability in Conversations
• 25:05 The Importance of Scheduling Intimacy
• 34:33 Anatomy and Orgasm: Understanding Individual Differences
• 40:22 Emotional Connections and Past Experiences

Transcript

Kristin Birdwell (00:00.414)

All right. Welcome back my beautiful humans to another episode of Sex, Drugs and Soul. I almost forgot the same title of my podcast. It's so funny. I have Dr. Diane on today and she's coming off fresh off some Ski Ball. We're going to talk all things relationships, libido. I want to find out what hot monogamy is. I took a peek at her website and I was like, what is that? So I'm coming in a little blind.

Dr. Diane Mueller (00:01.035)

Yeah.

Dr. Diane Mueller (00:26.664)

Yeah.

Kristin Birdwell (00:29.139)

But I have a list of questions curated too, but open to flow and play, like you said.

Dr. Diane Mueller (00:34.528)

Yay, I love it. And I love it. Just leave me where you want. I think there's so much to say and even just like what we were saying offline around like I just came off like Skeeball at kids school, like playing Skeeball with the kids and here I am. And it's a really good example of like, how do we manage all of the things in life and still cultivate like the time for the passion and the play and the desire and like, no wonder desire fails so much of the time because we're trying to do all these things. So I think it's a

Kristin Birdwell (01:00.178)

Mmmmm

Dr. Diane Mueller (01:02.99)

perfect lead in to our convo today.

Kristin Birdwell (01:05.374)

That's true. it seems or I've experienced where it's like if I'm going and doing certain things, it's like the desire or the sex, it falls on the back burner. Like it's not on the forefront or something. And so yeah, I'd love to explore like what hot monogamy is or how do you define it or like how one can manage that scheduling thing.

Dr. Diane Mueller (01:29.886)

Yeah, yeah, let's go there. So to take us down that journey, let's go back to a journey in time and really talk about like monogamy and like where monogamy came from to begin with. So like if we look at ancient cultures and this is how I would define traditional monogamy. So this is, kind of an answer to your question around like what is hot monogamy? What is modern monogamy? So traditional monogamy is what everybody thinks of and traditional monogamy we can date back to even pre Greek and Roman time.

Kristin Birdwell (01:40.51)

Mmm. Mmm.

Dr. Diane Mueller (01:59.49)

But Greeks and Romans did a really good job of saying like, okay, this is the new kind of like legal and societal norms. And they really were preaching that monogamy was for everybody except for the elites. And the elites could, you know, have their concubines and excess lovers and you know, all of that. So was like monogamy was for like, yeah, uh-huh, interesting, right?

Kristin Birdwell (02:21.182)

Hmm

Kristin Birdwell (02:25.392)

What? Okay, okay.

Dr. Diane Mueller (02:26.382)

Yeah. So like all the commoners did monogamy, all the elites did whatever they want, essentially. And so then bring in Christians and Christianity. And that's where like, like more of the monogamy from a standpoint of like, dogma and stability and just kind of like, it was all about like stability and traditions and raising kids. And so it was all around like children and that family unit against ability.

Monogamy was also taught a lot, like it was a huge movement during like the agricultural time period in part around like we have to have kids and we have to these large families and we have to stay together because we have agricultural demands. That's right. I mean, that's exactly right. And we see that in the industrial age too. It's like, but everything was all about like that stability of the family. How do we get as many jobs done as possible? Everybody has their roles.

Kristin Birdwell (03:07.486)

Yeah, I need some hands on the farm.

Dr. Diane Mueller (03:24.054)

And that was, that's like the foundation of monogamy. So if we like are taking a step into that and we're like, okay, but where in any of that is passion, is pleasure, is desire, is like talk about sex other than like a lot of obligation and duty, right? So modern and hot monogamy, the way I define it is really about saying, yes, like there's beautiful parts to all this stability.

Kristin Birdwell (03:42.41)

huh. huh.

Dr. Diane Mueller (03:52.492)

you know, great foundation, but it shouldn't be at expense of the passion, the desire, the pleasure. So it's saying keeping all of that stuff that I personally believe is fundamentally great, like I love being in a stable relationship, but then adding, adding all the hotness, adding all the pleasure, adding all the passion to it. So that's why we're calling it hot and modern monogamy, because it's like kind of like a step, like a branch beyond the way that traditional monogamy has been taught.

Kristin Birdwell (04:21.318)

So how does like it's curious, I'm curious how, so if they're in a traditional kind of monogamous relationship, how do they start opening up to the conversations or express or what framework do you suggest or do you use with people for those conversations or expression desires? Because I know that can be super tender and vulnerable if it's like something they've been holding in, even if it's with their long-term and stable partner.

Dr. Diane Mueller (04:44.59)

So it's incredibly true, know, because, so it's so interesting, Kristen, like what we see in conflict conversations and in research on conflict, that if any, if a couple's having conflict about anything, like not just, not sex, just anything, just argument, day to day, not getting along, there's three threats that come up. One threat to one part, one person, the other person, and then the threat to like the relationship, right?

Kristin Birdwell (05:00.382)

Okay.

Kristin Birdwell (05:08.273)

Mmm.

Dr. Diane Mueller (05:09.986)

But what's super interesting about sex and about sexual intimacy is if it's a non-sex thing, all three of those threats are kind of equal. But if it's regarding sex, there's one of those three threats that is substantially more, which is the threat to the individual, which basically means if my partner and I have a conversation about sex, like without training, what tends to happen is I am most interested in protecting myself.

He is most interested in protecting himself. So everybody is on guard because we're all trying to protect ourselves. And so it's really difficult. And we'll talk about what to do here and answer your question, but it is really difficult because there is this natural tendency, you know, for the ego to get so impacted because we're all trying to protect ourselves. And, you know, I theorize sometimes and people, other people in the sex field too theorize that maybe there's this like evolutionary reason for it around like

Kristin Birdwell (05:46.865)

Bye.

Kristin Birdwell (05:58.334)

I'm going in.

Dr. Diane Mueller (06:09.674)

innately the subconscious knows that if we are not doing this right, we might not procreate and spread our seed and all those things. And, you know, maybe that's true, maybe it's not. But regardless, what I do believe is true for a lot of people is that threat to themselves. So that's something we have to go into and really be aware of.

Kristin Birdwell (06:24.51)

Mmm.

Kristin Birdwell (06:28.89)

Mm-hmm. You know, I was listening to someone speak at a conference earlier and she's kind of mentioned like three phases of love about how like you're in, you know, first off maybe innocence and it's like you're a full yes to love and I distinctly remember like my very first heartbreak where it was like I was full yes and this is, you know, I had written the future of our lives together and what our little babies are gonna look like and all this stuff.

Dr. Diane Mueller (06:54.574)

Yeah.

Kristin Birdwell (06:55.234)

And then when that's broken, then we go into like a armored up kind of phase. And so I feel like a lot of people are operating in an armor phase. then the third phase that, I think it was Christina Weber, or Christina, Christina Weber, I don't know. But said the third phase is like reclaiming vulnerability. And it's kind of speaks to like what you're talking about too about having a dialogue or opening up or the protection of self and the armor or like the power struggle type of thing.

Dr. Diane Mueller (07:22.446)

Yeah, exactly. Are you talking Christina Weber of We Deepen? Yes, yes, yes. She's awesome. I love her. I love her work. Yeah, so exactly. mean, these are definitely phases and things that we all need to really be aware of. And in order to think about this, in order to think about the curiosity and the vulnerability and all these phases of it, a lot of it is I think there's an element of first being curious enough to even want to have the conversation.

Kristin Birdwell (07:25.99)

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. Okay, yes.

Dr. Diane Mueller (07:52.054)

I think sometimes we don't even have the conversation because if we go further back from like the root cause perspective, which I'm always interested in like, what's really at the bottom of all this, right? Let's dig in. And if we go far back enough, oftentimes we, like so many people have these little tiny things and everything is just swept under the rug. And the number of times I hear people say things like, well, sex just isn't that intro. We just decided we don't, you know, we've decided we don't do that.

Kristin Birdwell (08:02.268)

Yeah.

Dr. Diane Mueller (08:21.676)

And I'm not saying that that's not something that like maybe some couples come to that decision. Like, there's no judgment there, but it's more around like if there's coming to that decision, oftentimes like what I have found is because it hasn't gone well, or we've tried talking about it and that hasn't gone well. And it's almost this like passive acceptance, which in some ways is better than like not acceptance at all. But I think that's one of the first things is like, okay, well being curious and like, what is the...

Kristin Birdwell (08:45.598)

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Diane Mueller (08:50.67)

A lot of people will talk about, I totally agree with this, like, what is that why? What is that fundamental reason why talking about this is important? Why this is beneficial to the relationship? Why you're interested in it? Excuse me. I'm gonna tickle my throat. And so with that, then we go into the conversation around that kind of with that grounding of, yeah, this is worth it. This is worth figuring this out. And I have like a...

Kind of a three-step guideline I can go to on how to have these conversations. But before we even have those and go into those three steps, which I'll go into a second, the biggest thing is like, why is this valuable to me? Why is this worth the risk? And when we do that and we can have our partner do that and if they're willing to do that, we often realize there's more similarities than differences.

Kristin Birdwell (09:33.542)

you

Kristin Birdwell (09:45.266)

Yeah, I think that's kind of across the board, whether we're looking at relationships, politics, or all kinds of things. We just recognize our commonality or where we can find common ground. that a lot of things can shift.

Dr. Diane Mueller (09:48.918)

Yeah. Yes, exactly.

Dr. Diane Mueller (09:58.262)

Yeah. It's amazing how many times we argue, you know, in life and we actually as humans have like similar core values. We just have different ways of going at it, you know. Exactly. Yeah, it's so true. It's so true. So you may talk about like the three, you know, three guidelines.

Kristin Birdwell (10:07.102)

Or like yeah, even the language to describe it. Yeah

Kristin Birdwell (10:17.886)

Sure, sure. Yeah, I love three guidelines. I'm also curious about common root causes. So whatever you're feeling like is pulled to express next. Yeah. Yeah, I mean, I'd love like, yeah.

Dr. Diane Mueller (10:27.198)

Okay, yeah, I'll give I'll give high level three, three guidelines and we can go into root causes too. So three guidelines. So when, where, how. when is, let's start with where actually, where is the easiest to understand. So where is basically thinking about very simple, don't have the conversations in the places that you want to be intimate or you have been intimate most commonly. So most people, that's the bedroom. So

Kristin Birdwell (10:50.379)

Mm. Mm. Mm. Mm-hmm.

Dr. Diane Mueller (10:56.142)

We don't want to have conversations there that have, you know, might have a little charge or have potential to go wrong because especially when it comes to sex and lovemaking, what can happen is then we go back into the bedroom and our brain is a memory making machine, right? We love, we like quickly grow new neurons when we have these traumatic things and hopefully it's not going to go, you know, poorly. But if it does and that memory is in the bedroom, then there's going to be this tie of like,

Kristin Birdwell (11:01.373)

Mmm.

Dr. Diane Mueller (11:26.106)

you know, crap, this was like really, really intense. And now I'm in the bedroom, the place where I'm supposed to be sensual and ready to get sexy. And now I have that memory. So that's a simple one. When is also pretty simple from a standpoint of with when it's, I really find that it's great to give your partner a heads up, but not in the honey, I got to talk kind of way, you know, cause that sends the red flags up. So how I recommend giving a heads up is something like this.

Kristin Birdwell (11:46.184)

Hmm.

Yeah.

Dr. Diane Mueller (11:56.352)

Hey honey, was listening to this really cool podcast the other day and it really made me interested in just like having a conversation about having, you know, having better sex or about our intimate life. And I have some really fun ideas from this podcast that I'm really excited to share. So is there a time we could do that? So I'm still setting them up for like letting them know this is not like, we're not just talking about where we're going to plant, you know, the summer roses or whatnot.

Kristin Birdwell (12:04.573)

Hmm.

Kristin Birdwell (12:21.384)

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Diane Mueller (12:23.478)

and we're gonna actually have this conversation. So they go into it knowing, but at the same time, they're also not, the guard's not up, like they know they're not in trouble at the same time. And then it still puts them in position where it's like, hey, today's not a good day, it's a long day. So they still have choice in it. And the caution on the when though, is I've seen people where they take it too far and then it's never the good time.

Kristin Birdwell (12:31.218)

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Kristin Birdwell (12:37.702)

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Kristin Birdwell (12:48.766)

yeah.

Dr. Diane Mueller (12:50.304)

Right? Like, it's not the perfect time today, now I'm not in the mood, and now it's hard. Like, at some point we just have to rip the band-aid off if we're ever gonna have the conversation.

Kristin Birdwell (12:56.686)

Mm-hmm. Like are you ever gonna feel a hundred percent ready? Yeah. Yeah. Are getting a puppy?

Dr. Diane Mueller (12:59.726)

Right. Exactly. Exactly. It's kind of like buying a house. Like basically, you know, it's like, yeah, getting a yes, exactly. You want to, you want to, you want to, and you know, it's going to be really hard. So then the how the how is all about kind of the framing and the languaging. So what I encourage people to do in the how is focus on what you love and what you want more of. And the more specific you can be, the better.

Kristin Birdwell (13:10.864)

Yeah.

Kristin Birdwell (13:27.198)

Okay.

Dr. Diane Mueller (13:29.748)

So it's like, honey, the way you kiss my neck or the way you put me in this position, you know, that was so good. And we stayed there for only two seconds before we moved on. And I could have just lingered there for hours, those kind of things. And I'm not saying that we don't want to tell our partner things that we don't want. That is also important. But usually in the beginning, if we're not practicing this, usually a good place to start is just starting with, hey, these are the things I love and asking for more of them.

Kristin Birdwell (13:29.918)

Hmm.

Kristin Birdwell (13:43.346)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Birdwell (13:56.616)

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Dr. Diane Mueller (13:58.806)

And if we can start there, then the immediate response from a partner is like, well, I can provide that. Look at all the things that I'm doing well. And then some of the things you don't like will naturally fall away if we focus on the things we love. Typically, I find we do still have to bring those up, but if we can do it like later on when that is more developed and then in a way, once we've said the good things and we say like, hey, I'm just, you I'm finding that there's...

Kristin Birdwell (14:03.686)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Birdwell (14:10.983)

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Diane Mueller (14:24.13)

things that I don't, know, that maybe used to serve my body or I used to like, and I'm just not liking them as much anymore. And like, you know, you're not doing anything wrong. Just like, all of a sudden I'm not responding anymore. Like, can I share that? So I'm like, it's like, we can say it in a way where we're not making them wrong, you know?

Kristin Birdwell (14:30.558)

Thank you.

Kristin Birdwell (14:35.482)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Birdwell (14:40.388)

Yeah, yeah, for sure. Owning our desires and in allowing and giving permission also to ourselves and to let them know like, we're individuals and we evolve and grow over time. So something I thought loved and thought was hot in my 20s, I'm really lacking this more of this sensual or soft or slow or more firm kind of touch. And so I think that's a good little framework for people to carry into relationships.

Dr. Diane Mueller (15:09.496)

Well, and the point you made is really important. think this can even go into the conversation as well, which is our bodies change. you know, so many people, like statistics have shown that there's a huge uptick in the couples that try anal sex in their forties. Right? So it's like super, and I think, you know, there's some, you know, some thought on that, well, maybe that's because forties tend to, you know, people like the older we get, the more confident we get as humans.

Kristin Birdwell (15:16.316)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Birdwell (15:25.278)

Mmm.

Dr. Diane Mueller (15:36.674)

So I don't think it's just that the body's changed, but I do think that's part of it around like, you you're more curious. The body has different needs. You want to try more things. So I think the more too, we can just like bring that around like, hey, this doesn't have to be like anybody's right or wrong or good or bad. It's as simple as like, wow, literally our bodies and our needs change and they go through phases. And if we can make it about that, it's like so much easier. Right.

Kristin Birdwell (15:42.92)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Birdwell (15:59.23)

yeah, like hormones, babies, like all kinds of things. Yeah, all kinds of things. I'm curious if someone – what if one partner is sitting with a desire to possibly explore like – and I know it's like hot monogamy, but maybe one kind of follow the path of traditional monogamy or religious frameworks or pressure to fit into like a certain standard.

Dr. Diane Mueller (16:03.636)

Right, puppies like you said. Yeah.

Kristin Birdwell (16:26.332)

but yet they maybe want to explore like bringing someone into their dynamic or opening up in that capacity. Does that fit within this framework or what would you suggest as someone that's sitting with that kind of desire that they're just maybe a little bit crunchy or, you know, shame even or scared to express?

Dr. Diane Mueller (16:45.564)

there's lots of things I would say. many, many things. One of the first things is like, while like my work is really focused on hot monogamy and that's kind of like my personal passion, by no means do I think this is like the right framework for everybody. You know, it's more like the number one thing I think is about making choice that is best for you and your relationship and realizing that even in that choice,

Kristin Birdwell (16:47.26)

Okay, okay.

Kristin Birdwell (16:58.204)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Birdwell (17:05.874)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Birdwell (17:12.094)

You

Dr. Diane Mueller (17:15.54)

there could be times where you might have a different choice, right? I've tried polyamory twice in my life. you both times I led to the same conclusion. Like, I'm like, this is not the style for me. And, but it was, for me, it was helpful to go through that to actually explore the good, the bad, the challenge, the rewards, the benefits, the strengths, to land where I have. And I think for couples, like the biggest thing is one, it's back to the why, right?

Kristin Birdwell (17:18.334)

Mmm.

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Birdwell (17:25.854)

Yeah.

Kristin Birdwell (17:32.574)

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Dr. Diane Mueller (17:44.236)

Because sometimes if one person is wanting something different than the other, there can be something to be said around like, okay, well, sometimes people do want different relationships, know, styles, and that's an important thing to actually probably sit down with a therapist with. But a lot of times, if we get back to like, why, what is the underlying root? Is it that we just, you we want more friendships? I've actually met people that have gone poly just because of that.

Kristin Birdwell (17:58.77)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Birdwell (18:05.918)

and

I'm going on. I'm going on.

Dr. Diane Mueller (18:12.876)

That doesn't have to mean sex, you know. It could be that we want more novelty, that we're bored, you know. Some surveys have said that 40 % of long-term couples are bored. Like, that's a lot.

Kristin Birdwell (18:14.556)

Yeah.

Kristin Birdwell (18:18.822)

Mmmmm

Kristin Birdwell (18:24.798)

Oh yeah, I mean, I feel like, yeah, and I think you can bring in novelty in many different ways. I mean, like, I've got an active imagination, you're really only limited by your imagination in some aspects. And it doesn't have to include necessarily another person to that dynamic. Yeah.

Dr. Diane Mueller (18:29.386)

Yes.

Right! Right!

Right. Yeah. if you're so I have a free guide. It's that if you go to my sex doc dot com, I have a yes, no, maybe checklist. And so that's a really fun thing to do in this list. You know, like an answer to this question to where if people are like, wow, I can kind of wanting different things than my partner. We're not trying to do this. It's a fun way to go through and you do the checklist or partner does the checklist. You see what yeses you have in common. You see what knows you, you know, you have in common.

Kristin Birdwell (18:44.446)

Mm-hmm.

Hmm.

Kristin Birdwell (19:06.396)

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Diane Mueller (19:07.15)

And then maybes, the way to sort through maybes is to have a conversation and say, okay, well, what makes a mayby, what make a mayby safe and a yes? And we'll actually make a mayby like a hard no, because sometimes there's nuances, right? So that's a really fun way to get back on, you know, on a similar page. It might not always be the same page, but I don't find it has to be the same page in order for a relationship to work. It just has to be overlapping enough.

Kristin Birdwell (19:15.804)

Mmm.

Mm-hmm. for sure. Yeah.

Kristin Birdwell (19:26.834)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Birdwell (19:35.72)

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Diane Mueller (19:35.899)

with enough desire to be together in that foundational why to be similar enough to be on the same page.

Kristin Birdwell (19:42.014)

Yeah, and I kind of like looking at it or approaching it with the playfulness aspect. I love any kind of like gamifying something. So if I'm like, I'm like, you go, okay, go to your list, and I'm going to do my list and then we'll get together and we'll like cross compare or like, you know, how I back in school, like they would do trade or like maybe, maybe see, I don't know. It's just kind of makes me think of that. I just think the playfulness aspect, it kind of takes a lot of the pressure off of like, oh, okay, I can breathe.

Dr. Diane Mueller (20:09.774)

Well, yeah, and like, you you're saying you have an active imagination and so do I. And I know so many people like, and I even see this with myself too, like I have a very good imagination, but when I get in the stress of life and like the brain gets in this more linear focus, it is harder for me to access like the creativity, you know, like side of my brain. So it's just another way I think to help people break free from that. And here's the other fun place part of that I love, which is like, once you find things that you're like, oh yeah, we want to try this.

Kristin Birdwell (20:22.929)

Hmm

Kristin Birdwell (20:29.831)

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Diane Mueller (20:39.788)

Then it gives you material to flirt about. So then you can set up like what I call bougie sex date nights and you can like try your new thing and they're like, yeah, we're gonna have a bougie sex date night next Saturday. And then all week long, it brings the flirt back, right? Because so many times in long-term relationships, it's like even the communication can become mechanical. So it's like, now it's like, I'm so excited for this thing and we're gonna wear this and we're gonna try this thing and.

Kristin Birdwell (20:39.82)

Mm. Mm!

Kristin Birdwell (21:00.636)

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Diane Mueller (21:06.614)

It just allows for material to come back to start flirting again.

Kristin Birdwell (21:11.07)

I like the idea that you said to setting a date and time for it. Because I know that some I've heard some pushback. We're like, Oh, I don't want to have to play. But I'm like, we plan for so much in our lives. Why not plan for that intentional time to connect and be intimate with with our partner or as well?

Dr. Diane Mueller (21:29.742)

Well, and you know, it's so funny, people are often like, well, Dr. Diane, I don't know that I want to schedule sex and it just seems like it's supposed to be a spontaneous and all these things. But here's the thing. Here's what I've realized. So when people start dating, you have like your date night on Thursday and then are they going to call me and then, okay, we have our second date and okay, maybe we have our first kiss somewhere and oh, now we're going to have our first sleepover.

every single one of those things was planned. It is an extremely rare thing that in a new relationship someone's just going to pop over and you're just going to like make love on the fly, right? Like not saying that can't happen, but me neither. Me neither. I'm not a pop over kind of gal. that's... Me too. Then they'll come back for sure.

Kristin Birdwell (22:00.584)

Mmm, mmhmm.

Kristin Birdwell (22:06.398)

Mmm.

Yeah, true. Yeah, I don't want anybody to just pop over. I'm like, uh-uh. It's not hard, no. I might send you home. At the very least give you a spanking. no.

Kristin Birdwell (22:27.71)

That's so true.

Dr. Diane Mueller (22:28.214)

Yeah, so that's one of these things where it's like, I help people to, I want people to realize like, actually we've been planning in the beginning part of a relationship, we've been planning our date nights, our intimacy nights, our sex days, all of that has largely been planned. And it's only when we get serious and we move in together and we like combine resources and households and we just start integrating lives where we share calendars sometimes, all the things.

Kristin Birdwell (22:41.758)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Birdwell (22:45.991)

Over and out.

Kristin Birdwell (22:56.605)

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Diane Mueller (22:57.216)

And that's when we just think, well, we're going to see each other all the time, so it's supposed to not have to be scheduled. So there's also an interesting correlation, right? If you look at the timing of that, of, usually when the relationship gets to that point, the intimacy, the passion, it starts to die, which actually correlates timing-wise to when we no longer schedule it anymore.

Kristin Birdwell (23:02.428)

Mmm... Mmm...

Kristin Birdwell (23:20.486)

Hmm, that's interesting. Hmm. That made me think of something. I just had a little brain fart. I was like, where was I going to go? yeah. It reminded me like I tell like if I'm helping someone say outline a book or something, it's like I'm like, I advocate for outlining a book because it gives us the masculine masculine structure for the feminine flow creative energy to like transpire. And so it's like if you have the date and time, you have the container and then you can play and flow and connect in that aspect.

Dr. Diane Mueller (23:22.147)

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Diane Mueller (23:27.053)

and

Dr. Diane Mueller (23:48.408)

Well, exactly. It's not saying that there's not room for spontaneity, right? It's saying that, hey, we are just committing to show up at this time. And then what happens at that time, there's still plenty of room for spontaneity. And I do agree. Like, if we look at like Taoist roots or Chinese medicine roots, which is some of my background, we really see that like the feminine is the yin and the feminine like really is about kind of like that container, that structure, the house, all of that fiery energy.

Kristin Birdwell (23:51.25)

Yeah, yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Kristin Birdwell (24:06.578)

cool.

Dr. Diane Mueller (24:18.29)

And so some of having that structure and that container, like you're saying, allows in many cases for, you know, for the woman to relax. And, know, I've seen this in my own life around just like, realizing and knowing like, okay, we have our sexy date night, you know, our next sexy date night here. And when I'm like exhausted and I really want to show up to myself and my, my partner this way.

Kristin Birdwell (24:27.773)

Hmm.

Dr. Diane Mueller (24:41.802)

It helps me in those moments where it's like, okay, it's okay for me to go to bed. It's okay for me to rest because I know this is still being prioritized. I'm gonna go, my relationship's still getting prioritized. He knows he's getting prioritized. So I feel like it just leaves us almost like ease to the relationship that way around just, it almost takes like the pressure off in some ways.

Kristin Birdwell (24:50.397)

Hmm

Kristin Birdwell (24:54.62)

Hmm

Kristin Birdwell (24:58.578)

Mmm.

Kristin Birdwell (25:02.782)

Yeah, no, I love that you mentioned sleep too. I'm like anything that I've been on. How about that? Me too. I'm like, I'm 37. I'm like, that's one of my top priorities. I'm a seven to 10 girly. I'm like when I can. Love the horizontal vibes in many aspects. Yeah, I kind of.

Dr. Diane Mueller (25:05.454)

Yeah. Yeah, I'm 45. I'm on my sleep.

Dr. Diane Mueller (25:16.222)

Great! That is my style too.

Yes, all of them.

Kristin Birdwell (25:30.086)

I want to kind of like, you know, like, you're on like switching gears. I want to talk about libido a little bit too. I have you here. I like the maybe I have someone struggling with low libido or if like what are some of the common roots? Boudreaux come back. I haven't talked to my ways. Common like root causes of low libido or what do you suggest for for that if they just can't seem to get their engines revving, so to speak.

Dr. Diane Mueller (25:33.774)

Yeah.

Dr. Diane Mueller (25:49.12)

You

Dr. Diane Mueller (26:00.206)

Yeah, there is, when I've looked at this, can, there's like a bazillion causes for, you know, true, true low libido. And I typically do not see one root cause. The categories that we can arrange most of the root causes are into three different categories. One's the physical, one's the personal, one's the interpersonal. And I find oftentimes there's an element of all three pillars in any low libido scenario. Not every, you know, every time it can mix and match up.

But so to go through and kind of like the pillar is kind of more one one by one From the physical side of things and this is another great quiz I have for your audience of your your audience goes to libido quiz comm You'll actually see a really cool quiz where it will go through the physical root causes that I'm about to go through and You'll take you questions and I'll spit out the top one or two root causes that are likely happening to you

Kristin Birdwell (26:42.418)

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Diane Mueller (26:55.862)

And then you'll get a follow-up email with lab test suggestions for you to ask your doctor about. Because a lot of times people are not getting full and complete labs to really rule out these root causes. So under the physical side, the top five are hormones, obviously. And even within the context of that, and this is some of what I teach in my work, like a lot of people, for example, will get their testosterone run. And testosterone is probably the most

Kristin Birdwell (27:05.373)

Hmm.

Hmm.

Dr. Diane Mueller (27:24.878)

commonly known cause, low testosterone and low libido. But what a lot of people don't realize is that testosterone levels have declined about 40 % in the past 45 years. So like what that means is like in medicine where we have like that range of your normal, we've actually moved that range 40 % lower. So.

Kristin Birdwell (27:44.732)

Mmm.

Dr. Diane Mueller (27:46.814)

Oftentimes people are falling in this normal range, but it's just because so many people have low testosterone. Meaning if you're what you really want, you really want to look for is being in that upper end of that range. And when you're in that upper end of that range, now we're know you're normal. So in that upper end of that range, that's what you're looking for on lab tests, right? So you can have a normal lab test, but still be in the lower end of the range and technically still have a low testosterone.

Kristin Birdwell (28:05.011)

Mm.

Kristin Birdwell (28:15.454)

Okay, okay, yeah, a little bit. little bit. Boudreaux was kind of like, I'm sure that they'll follow you. I'm like, yeah, I was like, let me put him on my lap so he'll be a little crazy. Come here.

Dr. Diane Mueller (28:16.022)

Right, you following me? Okay.

Puppies have their own agendas for sure.

Kristin Birdwell (28:35.262)

get some cute little puppy vibes to our dynamic. He just had actually was neutered. So he's gonna have a lower libido too.

Dr. Diane Mueller (28:37.069)

so cute, that sounds great.

Dr. Diane Mueller (28:46.158)

Okay. That will happen. Yep, that will happen. That's a big cause. So hormones, stress is another big one. Pelvic floor dysfunction. And this is another thing where people are taught to do kegels. So many people are doing kegels wrong and kegels are really only half the problem because kegels are all about tightening.

Kristin Birdwell (29:00.87)

Hmm. Hmm.

Kristin Birdwell (29:06.27)

Mmm.

Hmm.

Dr. Diane Mueller (29:12.842)

And you add a lot of people have pelvic floor problems which can be linked to low libido from their muscles not relaxing enough. Right? It's like holding your bicep in a bicep curl all day and only doing that. Like you never would never just contract. You would always like undo the curl and relax. You know, sometimes we do pulsing, right? And you can do that, but you still want to do that stretching for proper muscle function.

Kristin Birdwell (29:13.642)

Kristin Birdwell (29:18.887)

Yeah.

Kristin Birdwell (29:23.272)

you

Kristin Birdwell (29:31.91)

Mm-hmm.

Mm, mm-hmm.

Dr. Diane Mueller (29:37.442)

So that's a big one. Your neurological system's a big one, and this is where we can get into things like vaginal numbness, for example, and difficulty orgasming even, because we get change in that neurological signal to the vagina, and that can make a difference with anything from passion, desire, feeling, lubrication, all of that. And then we have circulation as well.

Kristin Birdwell (29:44.275)

Yeah.

Kristin Birdwell (29:53.981)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Birdwell (30:00.861)

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Diane Mueller (30:04.672)

So if we're not getting that blood flow, right, that can really lead to problems. So those are the top physical things. Other things in the physical realm though are things like chronic kid infections, inflammation. There's a lot of toxins that have been implicated in low libido. So that's all physical pillar, right?

Kristin Birdwell (30:07.454)

Mmm, mm-hmm.

Kristin Birdwell (30:16.669)

Mm.

Kristin Birdwell (30:23.294)

Yeah, yeah, yeah. I was curious from just even physical too, where the nervous system regulation or like kind of like it when you said the bicep curl thing, I was thinking about just like a, you know, the nervous system that's not being able to relax and really even receive the pleasure that may be available to them if they're kind of like in a different state that won't allow the like relaxing part of it.

Dr. Diane Mueller (30:47.694)

Oh, it's a hundred percent true. I'm actually, I've been, well, yeah, that's more sympathetic, you know, in the fight or fight, right? So I was actually doing, I'm just kind of putting together my, one of my next YouTubes that I'm making, which is on the concept of productivity as a trauma response. And so, present too. Oh yeah, this is something I'm majorly healing from. I'm very aware of this pattern in me. is my husband for a...

Kristin Birdwell (30:53.564)

Yeah. Yeah.

Kristin Birdwell (31:05.246)

Mm. Mm. Present. Present.

Dr. Diane Mueller (31:15.97)

decades, my biggest coping mechanism. And I think this is actually a very common thing. think men and women have this, but I do think it's probably a little more common in women. And as a way of saying, hey, we're not going to look at whatever's challenging. And instead it's so much easier to just be like, well, I can deal with that emotion or I can just do something that feels healthy-ish, right? It's not over drinking. It's not...

Kristin Birdwell (31:16.894)

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

Kristin Birdwell (31:26.364)

and

Kristin Birdwell (31:39.954)

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Diane Mueller (31:42.862)

overusing weed or anything like that. It's actually saying, I'm put this back into my work. And so it's really easy from that standpoint to be in this, hey, I'm not feeling safe or I haven't dealt with this emotion or there's a trauma here, so I'm gonna cope in this way. And then what happens is we end up in that fight or flight, that sympathetic dominance. it is, just think about it, it is impossible.

Kristin Birdwell (31:48.562)

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Diane Mueller (32:11.768)

to deeply experience pleasure, to deeply experience an orgasm. If our mind is thinking about the to-do list, the grocery list, our fat rolls, whatever it is, right? Like we can't have an orgasm, we can't experience pleasure in that. So there's like that neurological wiring is essential. I'm really curious, there's these fairly newish vagal nerve stimulators.

Kristin Birdwell (32:18.814)

Uhhhh... Uhhhh... Noooo

Kristin Birdwell (32:37.918)

Mmmmm

Dr. Diane Mueller (32:38.414)

that have been out on the market where you can use these stimulators against your neck, for example, and they stimulate the vagal nerve. So I'm really curious to see if for people that are more in that productive, know, productivity state where it's like hyperproductive and using that to not sit in the calmness, not sit in the pleasure. If we actually use the vagal nerve stimulators, what that will do from that nervous system component too.

Kristin Birdwell (32:45.598)

Mmm.

Kristin Birdwell (32:58.588)

Yeah.

Kristin Birdwell (33:02.407)

Love you.

Yeah, that I learned one yesterday. was like even just like kind of massaging where the vagal nerve starts at like on our neck and just like I was like, and different techniques. I was like, wow. Yes. And you mentioned like orgasms and expanding like for me, what comes up is expanding orgasmic potential. Like if someone's unable to reach orgasm, I know we're kind of like, go here and I want you to. Yeah, yeah. But I'm like, I would love to share. Yeah, because, you know, it's like I can access orgasms and have

Dr. Diane Mueller (33:11.402)

Yeah.

Dr. Diane Mueller (33:26.51)

That's okay, I can follow you. I like anywhere you're leading me. I'll just follow you down the trail.

Kristin Birdwell (33:34.874)

But I also find a lot of times when I take the goal out of having an orgasm and just the more present in the experience, they're more likely to happen. But I would love to get your take on having orgasms or somebody's doesn't have access to orgasms yet and that sort of thing too. And then maybe we can circle back to the…

Dr. Diane Mueller (33:52.812)

Yeah, sounds great. Sounds great. I mean, first of all, I think it's like normalizing the anorgasmia, the lack of orgasms or the difficult orgasm. I think it's really important because I think there's so much shame here and people feel so isolated and alone and it's actually quite common. And, you know, to also help with any like shame that anybody has around this, like there is some research that has shown like from a standpoint of penetrative orgasms.

Kristin Birdwell (34:01.362)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Birdwell (34:05.212)

Mm-hmm.

Yeah.

Kristin Birdwell (34:15.133)

Yeah.

Dr. Diane Mueller (34:20.822)

that it's the distance between the distance like anatomically. So wherever your clitoris is compared to the vaginal opening, the closer they are together, the more likely you are to be able to experience a penetrative orgasm as a woman. The further apart, the more difficult it is. So, you from that standpoint, I think it's also really, you know, important to bring this up and say, some of what could be happening here in part could be anatomy.

Kristin Birdwell (34:31.592)

Hmm.

Kristin Birdwell (34:35.079)

Mm.

Kristin Birdwell (34:38.994)

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Diane Mueller (34:49.61)

Not that there's anything wrong. We're just all built different. So that's one thing. Two, I think so many couples are having sex like men do. Not like women need. And that is a problem of porn industry. It's a problem of the long history. know, like Freud, know, Freud used to feel and he used to like preach that.

Kristin Birdwell (34:59.75)

Mmm. Yeah.

Dr. Diane Mueller (35:14.28)

If a woman at puberty, like what she was supposed to do was she was supposed to move all of her sensation from her clitoris to her vagina. And if she could not do that, she was frisian. So like that's, know, that's been in our society, right? That's like trickles down into all the different ways that sex is portrayed around like, you know, the vaginal sex is a superior type of sex. Now, I do think, you know, penetrative sex is a wonderful thing. And I think

taking the shame at it and realizing that's first one. Two, scar tissue is a big thing. What trauma we hold. So, you one very simple technique is anytime we touch something and we put awareness around it, we're bringing, we're helping with that neurological pathway. So if I'm like touching, you know, the spot on my hand and I'm holding my awareness here, I'm bringing more connection neurologically to the spot.

So if we take vibrators or devices that can be made out of glass or crystal, like cervical wands as they're called, they're amazing. They're so amazing. Why not combine crystals with pleasure? So if we, we, you know.

Kristin Birdwell (36:16.381)

Yeah, I love the crystals. I have a funny comment that my therapist or my ex therapist told me. She's like, yeah, use the black of city and yoni. Yeah, you don't get rid of any devil deck devil dick energy.

Dr. Diane Mueller (36:40.846)

Yeah, I love that. I love that. You did not want that devil dicking you gotta get it out. Yeah, I totally agree. And so we can use like these devices, right and like and place them oftentimes with warming our body up using a lot of lubrication, not rushing, right, take the rushing out. And I would get to start both externally on the vulva. So in between like on your outer labia on your inner labia.

Kristin Birdwell (36:46.93)

Yeah.

Kristin Birdwell (36:56.424)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Birdwell (37:00.476)

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Diane Mueller (37:09.838)

in between your labia, on your clitoris, start just holding, like finding, know, putting your, the vibrate I would recommend, especially on the outside, because that vibration can also help bring more blood. So when we're talking about anorgasmia, we typically want to bring more sensation to the tissues and more of that neurological, you know, connection. So when you're using something like a vibrator on these tissues, you can just find a spot, like,

how much sensation do I have here? If there's not a lot, or if there's numbness, or there's a little bit of pain, and of course, follow your feeling on this, we, it's painful when you're doing, it's probably in the vibrator, might not be right, but if there's like, a little bit of pain, and you're like, oh, it's just like, it's more like, oh, you put the vibrator, it's kind of like that feeling of getting a deep massage, right? Like the good hurt kind of thing. Like that can oftentimes be a sign of, hey, we want to,

Kristin Birdwell (37:42.248)

and

Dr. Diane Mueller (38:05.73)

breathe in this area, hold there for a little while, and before we move on. And we just pinpoint inside and outside, and on our vulva and in our vagina, all these different areas, waking up the tissue slowly. It's not unusual for people to have emotional reactions to this, especially when we're taking like, yeah.

Kristin Birdwell (38:11.55)

Hmm.

Kristin Birdwell (38:28.745)

I mean with myself and then I've had like a couple of like Yoni healing sessions or for Yoni massage with different practitioners and I'm like some of it I was like was that mine or my grandmother's? Or like when at certain spots. So very much like a cathartic release and there was a couple of those till it got to the point where then it felt like a increasing of the pleasure.

Dr. Diane Mueller (38:33.386)

Yeah. Yeah.

Dr. Diane Mueller (38:43.246)

Exactly.

Dr. Diane Mueller (38:54.112)

Yeah, yeah, exactly. So.

Kristin Birdwell (38:56.402)

How many times are we not consciously entering even ourselves, like whether if you're using a tampon or a cup or anything like that. So it's like how many or, you know, past wounds or traumas and that sort of thing. So I think. Yeah.

Dr. Diane Mueller (39:10.922)

Exactly. And any past lovers that have rushed you, that maybe have like, you know, insert it before you're lubricated and that can have trauma or God forbid, you know, said something like that was impactful in a negative way, even if they didn't mean to, even if it was just like, you you, you misunderstood them. Any of those kinds of things too, like any of those emotions get housed in there and they can cause like,

Kristin Birdwell (39:20.19)

huh.

Kristin Birdwell (39:34.141)

Hmm.

Dr. Diane Mueller (39:36.418)

you know, just like under like stress, like what are like the rest of our body does it like constricts and our pelvic floor and all these like juicy muscles in there, they're, they're no different. So, you know, just taking that time to really unwind those areas is one of the first things. you know, another thing with an orgasm or difficult orgasm, I would really encourage any women in that category. And if her partner is, is helping her to not ignore the breast, like

Kristin Birdwell (39:41.362)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Birdwell (39:47.996)

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Diane Mueller (40:06.08)

the breasts really help to warm up the vagina and so many times the way that the breasts are are played with is kind of like how the man porn scenario would like to be you know played with and not saying there's not a time and a place and that can be fun but from a standpoint of like warming the woman up and really getting her connected internally usually it's going to be much more like soft

Kristin Birdwell (40:09.991)

you

Kristin Birdwell (40:18.855)

Hmm

Dr. Diane Mueller (40:31.982)

porouses and gentle stroking of the breasts and gentle grazing of the nipples. And it's not this kind of like hard aggressive biting and all of that. Right. Yeah. Right. Yeah. It's not saying we can't go to those other places, but when we're like trying to bring that presence in, because that's another thing that can happen a lot of times, I think, with difficulty orgasming. It's like it's

Kristin Birdwell (40:33.114)

anything.

Kristin Birdwell (40:42.27)

yeah, maybe bring a feather in. Or like a little... Yeah.

Dr. Diane Mueller (40:57.666)

Like I said, it's very difficult. Like it's pretty impossible to experience orgasm if our brain's all over the place. Like, and so I think the number one practice initially is just letting go of that focus and just the number one focus is my goal is to experience sensation and pleasure in my body. And that's the only goal initially. Yeah.

Kristin Birdwell (41:13.758)

Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm.

sure. know this amplifying of the sensation, reconnecting to feeling, I think is so important and expanding the capacity to feel.

Dr. Diane Mueller (41:27.148)

Yeah, and that's, you know, that's why I say oftentimes like pleasure doesn't happen just like inside the bedroom. It's not just a practice inside the bedroom, right? It's like, it's a, yeah, pizza, exactly.

Kristin Birdwell (41:33.404)

no, no, I had a piece of, yeah, I'm like, I had a piece of dark chocolate. No, I mean, that's my twang, my piece of a dark chocolate banana before I came on. Cause I was like, and like listen to a song. Cause I wanted to get in my pleasure before hopping on this, like call with you to chat about pleasure and sex. So I'm like, how do I get, I find some of my mojo. It's not always touching myself in my, you know, my genitalia and my pussy. Yeah.

Dr. Diane Mueller (41:40.453)

that...

Dr. Diane Mueller (41:46.281)

Yes!

Dr. Diane Mueller (41:52.52)

Yes, that's exactly right.

Dr. Diane Mueller (42:00.724)

Yeah, exactly. mean, all of those things, it's like that that gets you in. It's the practice. It's like pleasure is a practice that really truly is. It's not it's not just a snap things on. It's really a practice.

Kristin Birdwell (42:05.608)

Mm-hmm. Yeah. Mm-hmm.

Kristin Birdwell (42:12.978)

Yeah. I don't think it has to be like super, super elongated either. Like I know someone gave me like permission in a different context where they're like, hey, if you can find five to 10 minutes to explore and this explore pleasure this way, great. Like start there. Like and even maybe if there is like a long list to two, probably especially then if there is a long list of to do.

Dr. Diane Mueller (42:34.293)

Yes. Well, exactly. It's people I got asked earlier, like, okay, if somebody has to choose between stress management and pleasure, what would they choose? And the answer to that to me is like pleasure actually is one of the best things for stress management. And we see it in research. Like this is not nothing new. This is like very...

Kristin Birdwell (42:52.05)

Yes. Yes. I'm like, yes.

Mmm.

Dr. Diane Mueller (43:01.486)

You know, it lowers stress hormones. It helps you sleep better, raises serotonin, your happy hormone. Like it's one of these things where I feel like, feel like pleasure has been thought for so long as like this hedonistic kind of like, well, like selfish, like it's bad if you like prioritize that. It is interesting to me, like with all of the, there's so much movement in medicine right now to longevity and like biohacking your body. And all of that is like great, know, like let's look at that. And

Kristin Birdwell (43:15.868)

Yeah.

Kristin Birdwell (43:26.298)

I don't

Dr. Diane Mueller (43:31.638)

in my mind, one of the biggest things, like we're like trying all these fancy devices and not saying there's not a place for those, but the body has this amazing chemical cocktail that is self-regulating if we allow ourselves the time to do it. Yeah.

Kristin Birdwell (43:43.474)

haha

Yes, I feel like there's so much healing through or the ability to heal through pleasure and restoring that and maybe like I you kind of have like a conspiracy theory or maybe it's not a conspiracy theory around like the disconnection between you know, you know between like, you know, like between why or the introduction that if you keep people disconnected from their pleasure or their ability to self heal or in a capacity.

Dr. Diane Mueller (44:01.453)

I love conspiracy theories. I think they're so fun.

Kristin Birdwell (44:14.278)

or maybe even in a fear state, they're easier to control. Or like want to buy into all the gadgets, which gadgets are fun, I love them. But buy into all the things and outsource a lot of their power.

Dr. Diane Mueller (44:17.867)

Yeah.

Dr. Diane Mueller (44:23.616)

Yeah, and that's I-D2.

Dr. Diane Mueller (44:29.984)

Yeah, I completely agree with that as a huge possibility. Like I think there's just, there's a really downplay of like our pleasure center. If we look at truly from an energetic standpoint, and again, I do have a background in Chinese medicine, so if you look at where the pleasure centers are, they're also the centers energetically from like an acupuncture standpoint of creativity, of our power in life, not just our power in sex. And it's like deeply energetically related.

Kristin Birdwell (44:33.394)

Yeah.

Kristin Birdwell (44:43.931)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Birdwell (44:50.499)

Kristin Birdwell (44:59.89)

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Diane Mueller (45:00.206)

And so, it's one of these things where I do think when people are tapped into their pleasure, it's like, I feel like the scene in TV, right? It's like, like the stressed out woman all of a sudden is coming to work and she's flipping her hair back and she's floating on top of the world. And that's a little melodramatic from a standpoint of sometimes I think it takes her out of her own power and say like, hey, this has to happen in this way. However,

I do think there's something very real about that around like there's this change that can really happen physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually. I have a saying which is that couples that play together stay together because we do see so much that the couples that are at a minimum having sex about once a week are the ones that are reporting themselves to have the happiest, healthiest relationships.

Kristin Birdwell (45:36.06)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Birdwell (45:40.477)

Yeah.

Kristin Birdwell (45:51.582)

Hmm.

Dr. Diane Mueller (45:51.982)

That's a really big thing when it comes into like people that have children and families and trying to keep all that healthy structure together. That prioritization is really important, not just for you, but for like the entire family unit.

Kristin Birdwell (45:58.663)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Birdwell (46:06.96)

Yeah, completely think that the returning or accessing pleasure and reclaiming that, whether it's in that space or region, and I know for myself or my own personal journey, reclaiming the pleasure or access to pleasure, sexual curiosity, playfulness has had ripple effects into my personal life, which also then expands the connection and creative possibilities with relationships, with the openness and possibilities with life and what, you

I call it like co-create, know, the co-creation manifestation type of stuff too. It's just like ripple effects, like so family unit ripples and then if you're having that healthier dynamic and exemplifying that to your children, then what ripple effects are even they carrying off into the community as well. And so, yeah, yeah, yeah. So I know we kind of.

Dr. Diane Mueller (46:40.6)

I agree.

Dr. Diane Mueller (46:52.702)

Exactly right. Yeah. Carries and dribbles and carries and ripples and continues and continues. Yeah.

Kristin Birdwell (47:01.502)

Yeah, when we were talking about the physical signs of like low libido. Did you want to circle back to that? Because I know we've got about 10 minutes left. Yeah.

Dr. Diane Mueller (47:02.414)

Sharp turn.

Dr. Diane Mueller (47:12.014)

Sure, sure. So that was the physical pillow. again, so for everybody that's libidoquiz.com if you wanna take that quiz. The personal pillar, so this is all about how well you know your body. And this is about your ability to know your body so well and to have a level of body confidence that when you take it to your partner, you can actually communicate what you want. So this is where I do feel like a self-pleasure practice is.

Kristin Birdwell (47:16.071)

huh. huh.

Kristin Birdwell (47:39.784)

Mm. Mm-hmm.

Dr. Diane Mueller (47:40.378)

really important. It's really very important and doing the things that we've kind of already talked about. I think we can speed through this pillar quickly because some of the things that we already talked about are like, you know, taking the vibrator, the wands and learning your body, waking up your body, learning how your breasts want to be touched, touching your thighs, learning how all of your, you know, all your body really wants to be touched and giving yourself an opportunity to fantasize, I think as well. And you know, it is one of the great things about a self-pleasure practice because it is a

Kristin Birdwell (47:47.484)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Birdwell (48:05.33)

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Diane Mueller (48:10.35)

You know, it's a great place where it's all about your own fantasies. Like you can let your head go to wherever you want. And I think that's also important when it comes to figuring out like what really are your turn ons and your turn offs and those sorts of things.

Kristin Birdwell (48:23.42)

Yeah. I mean, for me, it's like, how do you expect anyone else to be able to do it if you don't do it yourself? Yeah.

Dr. Diane Mueller (48:29.119)

We're responsible for our own orgasms, right? That's exactly what it is. And because we're all so uniquely different and because like we said, we change over life, if we're not staying attuned to that, there's no way we can expect a lover to. There's just no way. How can we expect them to know if we don't even know ourselves?

So that's really the personal. The other thing under the personal is just working to develop more body confidence and genital confidence. And there's, you know, there's sites online you can go to. There's a lot of research around, hey, if you have poor genital image, meaning like, you don't like the way you look, genitally speaking. There's a lot of sites you can go to where you can find like beautifully done displays of just women's vulvas.

Kristin Birdwell (49:20.925)

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Diane Mueller (49:21.198)

And I've seen this to be a very healing thing for some people because if you're like, wow, I look weird or my lips are the wrong size or my hair is in the wrong place or whatever is going through your head. What's so cool about these sites is it's like, loaves are like snowflakes. They're all so uniquely beautiful. And I think it's so cool to see how different they all look and how magical they all are. And it can really help normalize that image.

Kristin Birdwell (49:37.576)

Yeah.

Kristin Birdwell (49:44.478)

yes, absolutely. I think there's a book called Come As You Are that may have some images. then, yeah, yeah. And then, I guess like being curious like, what message? What do I see? Like a butterfly. Do I see Mary Magdalene? Do I see a little hood? Like I did that. There was a yoni gazing slash casting workshop that I did where we also like passed around ours and you get to like.

Dr. Diane Mueller (49:53.27)

Yeah, that's Dr. Emily Nagoski. Yeah.

Dr. Diane Mueller (50:03.756)

Yes.

Kristin Birdwell (50:11.506)

vividly actively see like, wow, okay, like we're all different.

Dr. Diane Mueller (50:15.534)

Yeah. Yeah. A friend of mine runs a group, an organization. She does pussy reading. She calls it Pussyology. And it's like getting like, yeah, I can introduce you. She'll be actually really fun to have on the podcast too. But she's such a cool woman. Sierra Sullivan is her name. And that's like the part of it is like, and this can actually I think it'd be a beautiful way too, if somebody is having any sort of genital image, you know, things in their head.

Kristin Birdwell (50:24.504)

my god, I wanna-

Yeah, how cool? Yeah, how cool?

Kristin Birdwell (50:44.126)

Oh, I've totally experienced that before. Yeah, yeah. I mean, I remember like that old movie like fried green tomatoes, like usually gets out the mirror. And I'm like, am I normal? Like, or, know, quote unquote, normal. I was like, what?

Dr. Diane Mueller (50:46.506)

It's common. It's really common.

yeah, look with the mirror. Yeah. I think that was the first time I ever looked at myself in a mirror was after I saw that movie. Yeah. Yeah. I remember that very well. So yeah, I mean, that can be like a cool thing to like find somebody like that. And then if you're like, if you can actually see like, you know, and have somebody like, wow, you know, you're because your pussy is this shape. This is like the beautiful thing it means. And this is what it's saying. I'm almost like,

Kristin Birdwell (51:08.446)

home.

Kristin Birdwell (51:18.63)

Mm-hmm. Yeah. my God, I would totally want one.

Dr. Diane Mueller (51:19.212)

you know, getting a Taroui rating or something like that, right? Yeah, yeah, I have not done it yet myself, but it's very much on my list. Yeah, so that's a really cool thing too that can relate to that. And then just in our short time here to talk about the interpersonal side of things, which is the pillar number three. So that is communicating with your partner like we've already talked about, but it's...

Kristin Birdwell (51:27.354)

Yeah, yeah, so cool.

Kristin Birdwell (51:35.164)

Thank you.

Kristin Birdwell (51:41.574)

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Diane Mueller (51:43.496)

also really deeply asking for your needs, the curiosity, all of that, and it's also understanding your unique turn-ons and turn-offs. So many times we miss, yeah, well so many times we miss each other's cues, right? And we're like, that was like important to you. like, you know, the easiest, so I have another quiz for people for this too. That's at libidocode.com. So if you go to libidocode.com, you can take this quiz, your partner can take you this quiz, and then it'll give you insight on what to do with this information.

Kristin Birdwell (51:52.092)

Hmm. The quiz.

Kristin Birdwell (52:04.872)

Mm-hmm.

Dr. Diane Mueller (52:11.746)

But for example, like one of the codes is called sensei. And so a sensei is the person that needs like really like the sound and the smell and all of those things. Like the setting is super important. So like a sensei person might be in the middle of like making out and like it's hot and heavy and everything. You're feeling it. And the sensei just like gets up and they're like, I'm going to go get my sprig of Rosemary or I'm going to go do this. And you're like, what the heck? Like that was like a passionate moment.

Kristin Birdwell (52:25.726)

Mm-hmm.

Kristin Birdwell (52:38.494)

I'm running.

Dr. Diane Mueller (52:40.822)

Right? And if you don't know that it can be so disruptive. But if you do know that, then it's like, now you helped to set the scene. And now you realize like, this is what that person needs in order to go deeper with me. And it's not them escaping.

Kristin Birdwell (52:44.84)

Yeah.

Kristin Birdwell (52:52.774)

Mmm. Yeah, because I've true I'm enough because I'm very sensual I'm like sensory sensitive and so like if I've smelled something I'm like that can completely like well I was there but

Dr. Diane Mueller (53:04.718)

Right. Not so much now. Yeah. And I'm an emotive. That's my set. That's my code. And for me, it's like, if there is something, even the tiniest little thing, I have to talk about it before I can actually be touched. And so like, will like, be like, we have to have a pause and I have to clear the air. it like, usually it takes like 20 seconds and it's like no big deal. But I really, it's like my pleasure body. If there's something that I'm like,

Kristin Birdwell (53:33.363)

Mmm.

Dr. Diane Mueller (53:33.486)

holding on to that like thing that didn't make sense and I need to, you know, check it. I just know that I can't actually, I won't be able to reach orgasm. I won't be able to enjoy pleasure if I don't have that moment of check-in first. Mm-hmm. Yeah, take it.

Kristin Birdwell (53:40.348)

Yeah, wow.

Kristin Birdwell (53:44.816)

Yeah, no, I want to take this quiz. I'll be sure to put all of the links in the show. My assistant tells thanks. I love you. We'll be sure to put all of those the notes in there. Is there anything else that you want to add to that piece or element?

Dr. Diane Mueller (53:51.946)

Yeah.

Dr. Diane Mueller (53:58.658)

That's largely it. No, I think that's largely it. I'll give you guys, your listeners one more free thing, which is if you go to hotter life.com, you can get a free copy of my ebook, which is five easy steps for mind blowing orgasms and romance. So that kind of incorporates a lot of the different things we talked to talk about today. Yeah.

Kristin Birdwell (54:00.422)

Okay, cool. Yeah, for sure.

Mm.

Kristin Birdwell (54:12.702)

Mmm.

Kristin Birdwell (54:17.032)

Beautiful, beautiful. And then where are you located actually too? I'm curious. Okay, Colorado. Well, let me know if you're in the Austin area. I'm going to, my next thing is, yeah, let me know. Yeah, because I'm going to do, I'm shifting to do more in person podcasts. yeah, well, no, I was just at this conference for facilitators and she led a workshop there. And so was like, yeah.

Dr. Diane Mueller (54:20.588)

I'm in Colorado, Colorado in the United States.

I come to Austin sometimes. I'm in Austin probably once a year.

Dr. Diane Mueller (54:33.753)

amazing. That's probably how you know Christina Weber, Because she's down there.

Dr. Diane Mueller (54:42.422)

lovely.

Kristin Birdwell (54:42.558)

But I'll probably, I'm gonna reach out and ask her to come on. But if you're in Austin, let me know. We can connect in person and maybe even do another one. Because I feel like there's so much more in places that we could go. I just have a tight timeline today. Yeah. All right. Well, thank you so much.

Dr. Diane Mueller (54:47.438)

I definitely will. I would love that.

Yes. That's okay. I always have a tight tight. I get it. Lovely spending time with you. I look forward to another chat.

Kristin Birdwell (55:03.568)

Yes!