73. Don't Swallow The Boric Acid...

This episode is dedicated to Larro! Love you, brother. Let's roll...

***

In this tender and truth-soaked episode, I open up about my journey with grief after losing a dear friend who left this world far too soon. It’s raw. It’s real. Emotional AF...and wrapped in love.

I talk about the gut-punch of loss, the wild ride of emotions that followed, and the unexpected signs he sent me from the other side. Because love doesn’t just disappear, it shape-shifts. I also share a near-death experience that cracked me open in a way I didn’t see coming, and a powerful, symbolic body-painting session that felt like a creative rebirth. It was like my way of honoring both him, the parts of myself that grief awakened, and the new version of myself. (Rising phoenix, vibes!)

This episode is a mix of courage, creativity, connection, and the kind of healing that only grief can bring. It ends with a tribute poem I wrote for him to honor his spirit and the bond we shared...

I'm still unpacking some of the soul lessons... yet, if you’ve ever lost someone you love, or are navigating the messy beauty of grief, this one’s for you.

If you want to explore courage while connecting with fellow creatives, join me on NABA this Wednesday, May 14th, at noon CST for a virtual, open-mic writing workshop/playshop.

Jump to the mic drop moments...
0:00 Intro
5:16 Courage and Creative Expression
15:42 Near-Death Experience and Personal Growth
22:51 Body Painting and Symbolic Healing

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Chapters

• 0:00 Intro
• 5:16 Courage and Creative Expression
• 15:42 Near-Death Experience and Personal Growth
• 22:51 Body Painting and Symbolic Healing

Transcript

Kristin (00:02.158)
Welcome back guys, my beautiful messy humans that tune into this podcast from apparently all over the fucking world. I was looking at some stats just now and how freaking cool that six continents, 36 countries in 242 cities and I was going on a walk the other day and visualizing. I was like, wow, it's really neat. Like someone maybe like going on their walk.

or going on a drive or commuting or something working out. And they're listening to me and they have me in their pocket. was like, wow, that's really cool. So I just want to say thank you. It started off like that. Today I'm solo and I have a semi funny story to share. What's funny now to me that I made it on the other side and there might be a couple of different talks and conversations about things on the other side as it pertains to death.

because one of the things that is alive for me right now is grief. A dear friend of mine, bird just flew by, a dear friend of mine died in February and was actually murdered. It's been a point, you know,

It's been a portal in some ways and he was missing before they found his body. And, it's been a beautiful journey as far as like connecting with him on the other side, but I still have moments of like, damn, holy shit. I cannot believe that his physical presence is no longer here. And in some ways I feel like I took that for granted that he would always be here. Even though we're not, none of us are.

I don't even know why I bothered with putting on mascara. Another thing that's a lie for me and I'll circle back to this because it's all connected but is I'm hosting a writing workshop slash play shop on courage on this Wednesday. So if you're listening to this, if you happen to be listening to it on Monday or Tuesday, I'm hosting a writing workshop with Naba.

Kristin (02:26.69)
I'll link it in the notes. If you want to join and connect live virtually, it's going to be like an open virtual mic where we'll have some prompts around courage and then the opportunity and space to share. I leading up to this workshop, I was like, okay, well, I guess I better go do some brave shit if I'm going to lead a workshop on courage.

And I had been wanting to do the open mic at Kuya in Austin for such a long time. In fact, I actually like kept postponing it. Like I love to go witness all the creativity and just like sit there and wonderment and awe with a different talent and the creativity that flowed through. However, I was like, okay, I was like working it out, know, working it out to share something that I've written.

myself, you know, because I do a podcast, I have a book, but I've never shared something so deeply personal, um, life in front of a group of people where you can feel the energy and there's, you know, the, the pitter-patters and the sweats and the cotton mouth. So I had told myself, I was like, come hell or high water. Cause I had postponed it. I Oh, I'll it next month. I'm too tired. I'm like, so I was like, hell or high water. I am fucking doing it on.

This last one, they do it on the second Thursdays of every month. And I wanted to read a poem for my friend Larry that I had written. And that's one of the beautiful things about creativity is how chemical it can be and just like pouring the pain onto the page and words unsaid and that sort of thing. you know, I was facilitating a private tantra retreat in Turks and Caicos at the end of February and

He died right before the trip and the person that I was going with experienced a big grief and loss as well. And I was like, wow, what a potent reminder right before I go on this trip. And we were sharing memories of our loved ones. And I said, you know, I just wish that I would have told him that I loved him, whether he was using or not. And then...

Kristin (04:40.75)
this shooting star shot across the sky. And I was like, well, he heard me. He heard me. And, you know, there's been some really interesting other things that have transpired. whenever he was missing, I had signed up to do this breath work with Brie Melanson. And I've just always loved like her ability to hold different emotions and allow them to just, to just flow and

I wanted to take her breath work live and I did, and she's a channel and she talks about me. She's like, don't be surprised if you receive a message from a loved one. And I really wanted clarity because at this point he was still missing and not found. And I still had a lot of hope. I set the intention to open up a channel of communication or, you know, get some kind of message or insight or clarity, or maybe be able to like find or, or reach them in some capacity.

This breath work was so powerful. I came out of it and I heard like, I'm okay sister, I'm at peace. And I heard it in his voice and at first I discredited it and I was like, am I fucking crazy? Did I really hear that? is, because this is new for me. Like I've had dreams with lost loved ones. I have received signs. I believe in that. will about, I mean like for me, I see the signs and there was another one that came up recently.

from one of the recent conversations that I, know, cause after he died, I was like looking through text messages and Facebook messengers and photos and, all those things. And I was looking at our last conversation and I was talking about my dog, Boudreaux and, he's like, ATX soon. I'll bring the Boudreaux butt paste. And I had no idea what the Boudreaux butt paste was. I was like, okay.

Cool. And then the last thing that I'd send him was a link to like this country song that I wrote and was playing around with. And then a friend surprised me with by making it into a country song by using some AI technology. And, and then, you know, a few days go by or a week, couple of weeks or something. don't know. All I know is that I received this text message from my friend. was like, holy shit. She had gone to visit someone that has a newborn and sent me a picture of Boudreaux butt cream.

Kristin (07:08.588)
or butt paste. And I was like, holy, was like, wow, you were just the vessel for a message to come through from my friend. And I'm sorry. Actually, I'm not fucking sorry. I'm a hot mess. I'll scream it into the ethers. He was a wild catter and such an amazing, incredible soul. you know, I think I was just reflecting and, you know, no matter what I, what I did and whenever I was in this transitioning period and

You know, even at times in my life where I didn't fully accept myself, Larry always did. And he always offered love and like rolled for people and experienced. What comes up for me right now is that he experienced a lot of tragedy. And, you know, in 2019, he lost his son, his like three or four year old son in a car accident. And since then, that was a big turning point.

And I swear I'm getting back to the previous story too. And so one day, you know, we were talking and FaceTiming a lot, almost every day, like towards the end of 2022 and the beginning of 2023 and sprinkled throughout there. And I told him, was like, Larry, I know grief, but I don't know your grief. And I am not going to pretend to try to that to me. That's like, you know, I don't want to compare grief for loss at all.

But to lose someone that's done the typical natural order of things for her parent to lose a child, to me that that just that's heartbreaking. And, you know, the last time that he wore his cowboy hat was at his son's funeral. And he told me that I mean, I think he wore it as his son's funeral. I think that's what he told me. But he told me he hadn't worn his cowboy hat since his son's funeral. And I

was Larry, I, I really want you to put that cowboy hat back on and tell your testimony and how you rose from the ashes and, you know, made a comeback because, know, I think that he had built a beautiful life for himself. And in a lot of ways, like that pain just like really, really, impacted his choices and decision. And he was trying to cope. And so,

Kristin (09:36.334)
There's a lot of substance use involved and that's not an excuse or anything but sometimes when you're running with people that are on drugs, it's no fucking excuse for murder though, I will say that. And like I hope that there's justice brought to the people that were involved. But, and even then when I say that it's like.

Kristin (10:02.446)
I really strive to love people even if they don't vibe with me or they judge me or cast me out or you know what they... regardless I really strive to be such an open-minded person and kind.

Because I don't know where they're coming from in life or their experiences or their stories or their perspectives or their what foundation or traumas that they've had. My viewpoint is not the universal viewpoint. And so I really try to operate like, okay, even if you're not eating at my table, even if you're not one of my friends or family members or in my close circle, I love you anyway. And so.

That's a piece I'm still fucking working on.

And I do believe in like, you know, that it's a catalyst and he's with me in spirit and energetically and all those things. man, human being is fucking hard. So circling back to the Kuya open mic where I wanted to read the poem, I was so nervous leading up to it.

And like I got a massage earlier that day and my heart I was laying there like every time I thought about it was just like. But about it, but about it, but it, but I was like, I tried to put my attention and my awareness and my focus on where the masseuse's hands were placed on my body, but still was like.

Kristin (11:52.136)
And now what comes up is that heartbeat was calling me forth, calling me forth in the courage. I'm thinking of Native American drums and like, bum, bum, bum, bum, bum. And maybe if I look at it that way. But I was driving from the massage to Austin, to Kuya and I started visualizing. And I started visualizing Larry in his cowboy hat in my passenger seat next to me. Dude, his

his little sign and saying, let's roll. Because he was one of my biggest cheerleaders too. He's like, you're doing big and great things and I want you to be bigger.

Kristin (12:35.517)
Ugh.

Kristin (12:39.614)
And we had visions of like writing and turning some things out together. But I was like, all right, Larry, let's do this. Let's do this. I'm gonna need your fucking support through this. And then I also had a vision of just like holding hands with my past self, with my future self in this present moment. And I'm like, I'm gonna do this. I'm gonna do this. I'm signing up.

And I'm like chugging water because like my tongue is attached to the roof of my mouth. And I'm like, back. And I will say that they really, James really set the tone at Kuya for, that helped put me a little bit more at ease because we had 10 seconds of silence and then said five, I love yous or did an oom and then said five, I love yous. And that really helped set just like.

calm my nervous system a little bit but I was like the adrenaline was pumping and I knew my friend that had met me there had signed up right before me when she went and I was like all right and I feel like man of course I'm like if I burp it's moving fucking energy the belching tantric goddess okay and I get up there and I'll read it at the end of the of this podcast

I'm kind of have a blank right now. You know, I kind of outlined some things that that I wanted to talk on and and touch on for this podcast and oh yeah, Grieve Portal receiving signs. Yeah. The title. The title of this podcast is because I had a damn near death experience or what felt like one and. boric acid.

is a suppository for women for pH balance. Ladies, if you don't know about boric acid, it is fantastic for bacterial vaginosis or if you have a new sexual partner, if you your yoga pants too long, if you were in the hot tub or just like worse, you know, moisture and you know, the kitty cat's a little sensitive. And if something has disrupted your pH balance, it can have like an odor and I don't like, I don't want that.

Kristin (15:04.174)
I like smelling fresh as the rose. And I was in, you know, I'm in this tantra training and I have been, I just signed to do another year with Leola and it's incredible and I love the women. Like I couldn't see those women not being in my life and having that support and stepping into more leadership. But the way they were doing it, they were chatting about boric acid and I had been running low on sleep and when I don't get my sleep,

I, you my anxiety tends to trend upward, my mental health, like I just don't feel like I'm running on all cylinders. And, um, and so I'd had done, I'd been like, you know, three or four nights in a row where it was low sleep. And, um, I put another, another little tablet in my hand, like another little supplement. I think it was like my dim or oregano oil or something. And I just completely spaced and

down the hatch swallowed all the pills. Well, on the box, it says in all caps, do not swallow. And I like went on about something and it took a couple of minutes before I realized what I did. And I was like, I think I fucking swallowed the boric acid. And I'm like, even just like the word boric, I don't even know, I'm not a scientist, but that doesn't sound good.

I mean, that makes me think like chemistry lab or something and like what kind of reaction is that going to have? And so I immediately start trying to like make myself throw up. Boudreau is starting to freak out in his crate because he can feel and sense my energy. I'm like, my neighbor is probably asleep. I don't want to go to the ER. I've got a body painting session booked with someone the next day. Told you. And

I'm on the floor of my fucking bathroom. I'm like, what am going to do? I do not want to go to the ER before my body paint session. like, am I going to? I'm like, is this it? Is this how I'm going to go out? And I'm like, I'm like, my nose like, like it literally just felt like I was crumbling. And I was like, well, I guess I will call poison control. I've never called poison control, but I will try. I'm like Googling, you know.

Kristin (17:23.982)
boric acid accident, you know, what the toxicity is and what and then I'm like, I just need to call poison control because, you know, there's some people I call or go to them. So I call and this sweet woman answers the phone and I'm like, accidentally swallowed some boric acid and I'm like panicking and she's like, you're going to be fine.

Okay, I'm not gonna die. She's like, no, you might be really nauseous and you're gonna, you might be really thirsty. You might want to eat something. She's like, how many did you take? I was like, one, it was by fucking accident. I was, it was by accident. And, and so, you know, I got my zip code and my name and I gave her my first name. Cause was like, I don't even know if I want to give you my last name. I'm like, even though I'm like telling the world in the podcasting space right now and all the people in six continents.

and so I, I'm like I go to sleep. I had an anti-nausea pill for leftover from my ketamine treatment series. And even in that in of itself has been a journey. And if you've been listening or tuning in for a while, you know that, the last year I was having some mental health challenges and I

Suicide ideation like as I was pulling into my garage and I was like what's up here like this? This is what this isn't I just knew and luckily reached out and I'm gonna give this a shot and I had a beautiful experience through that journey with ketamine and Have feel like a rebirth like a rebirth with some of my insights and that have come up there's some of I called him like my ketamine oracle sessions because you know the first one I was there and

It was like, Stay for the Harvest. was like, no, actually the first one I was in a cornfield and I was like, what the fuck? Why am I in a cornfield? Like, what does this mean? Next one, something came through. It was like, Stay for the Harvest. And then, know, in one another one, my dad and I's younger selves were like dancing with one another and it was really beautiful.

Kristin (19:32.13)
And I also was like, yeah, so I'm the one, like I'm the one that's got to like break all the generational trauma curses, heal all this stuff. And he's like, yeah, sorry about that. And we had a humorous exchange. And then at the very last one I came to and I was like, it was something about wild, something about wild woman. And so it was this journey of me coming to the meeting that I have assigned, the realizations that I've had is that

the inauthenticity was going to kill me and the suppression of my wild woman. And I say that because I had positioned all of my offerings then, I'm now offering other things, but to be more palatable and good. And I had defaulted to what I knew would be more liked, loved and accepted. And my therapist, actually former therapist, I'm not seeing her anymore. It feels complete.

and she may actually come on the podcast in a couple of months. I'm very, grateful for her. She asked me, like, do you think that suppressing your wild woman could have been causing the anxiety?

Kristin (20:50.498)
And it was like a ding, bing, bing, bing. Yeah, yeah, I do. And so anyway, so I've had this death and rebirth and rising and stepping into and coming out of the Tantric Healer closet. So this body painting session, totally it was all connected, was very symbolic.

It was a marker for me of a distinct point in following my creative longings and desires. And even people were asking me like, why are you doing a body paint session? I'm like, because I want to do. There was no end goal. I just wanted this experience. I've been wanting to be body painted for years. And I ran across this incredible artist, Alex.

who is also probably going to be coming on the podcast. I'm so excited. Oh yeah, by the way, sidebar, I'm going to be up leveling the podcast and doing in-person video sessions, recording at a studio. I think that's the next level that I want to take it. And so Alex is going to be one of my first guests in the studio in-person in Austin. I'm really excited about that. And so cut to going to...

his place. does not know that this happened. I have not communicated it to him yet, but I'm in the body painting session and I walk in and hit that it's just like so grounded and peaceful and coming off of mine what felt like a near-death experience like literally the night before I was like I'm grateful to be alive. I don't know about you, but I'm like happy to be here on earth and

Like it was, the session felt like a portal of presence. Like feeling this paint brush glide across my skin and the cool temperature of the paint and a drop of it just, you know, slowly dripped down my, you know, test into my belly button and, yup, moving energy. He painted a Phoenix rising on my chest and I told him about Larry.

Kristin (23:11.894)
and like how I was tender and just holding so much, like holding the joyful memories and the song spurred memories of like so many good ones and then, then, know, fascinating, but you know, between the amount of loss or pain that is felt or in the attachment or to the physical presence and

not in the voice and just so much, right? Just like that companionship and camaraderie and grieving the loss of my hope for his turnaround and like thriving again. yeah, so he'd had no idea that that happened. so it just was like.

felt like a literal symbolic marker of the boric acid going into the body paint session and then coming out and feeling alive. And then I had a Tantric session with someone, a one-on-one private session the next day and I kept the body paint on. And absolutely one of the most beautiful sessions I've ever had with someone. And it was just like, you're right where you need to be. And the birds were chirping louder.

It was like a portal of presence. It just feels like something has been lifted and something has shifted and amidst all of the loss, right? So it's like this web or this roller coaster of experiences and it's so beautiful. But it's something, you know, like this. And we were chatting on a priestess call the other day. It's like, yes.

You know, a lot of times I strive for that peaceful harmonic feeling in my nervous system and body, but I also really freaking love like that sense of aliveness, like that exuberance and you know, core memories. I need a sip of water.

Kristin (25:28.078)
And I felt more alive. And so with that being said, I'll take one more peek at my notes and then I will read the poem that I read or spoke at the open mic.

Um, let's just see here. Do do do do do do do do do. Yeah. I just kind of said here too in my journal, I'm like, well, I don't want to go out not saying the thing or doing the thing or having the open mic or, um, I will say, I also put it down here that I said, feeling alive equals presence. Um, and for me, like the more present that I've been recently and I've been doing more dark

Daddy just spends the meditations and Brie Melanson's and just listening to nature sounds and going on walks. And the more the level of presence I have, the more alive I feel and tapped in and to nature, even though it's like your nature too. But there's that. Yeah. So this is for my troubadour. And I call him that.

because he loved music so much and he loved life for a long time. I think there was a lot of unspoken pain and demons and he always showed up and wanted to help other people but those people that help other people and then show up for others.

Kristin (27:16.714)
They need support too. So check on your strong friends. Check on the one that's always checking in on you. yeah, that's I, yeah, I'm gonna, this is he's my tributary one night.

Um, coming out of the strip club, this is like 2011 or 2012. We used to go to baby dolls together and have a little cocktail and get a couple of lap dances. And, um, I remember one night just riding the, I think I was in the backseat. I don't know who else was with us. Maybe I was in the front. I don't remember that part, but I remember that we were like riding in his BMW, um, zooming down the highway, um, blaring George straight Troubadour.

And like we listened to that the last time that I saw him and we also listened to a little Randy Travis, like the deeper, deeper than the holler about a whipper wheel. And I shit you not, I moved into a new place and there's a whipper wheel that has been here in the last two weeks that I've been into this spot. and so it's just to me, like another little sign, another little message. And I like to believe in those and it makes my life sweeter. So.

Let me get my poem pulled up. Okay.

I feel like I snot dripping down the back of my throat. Okay.

Kristin (28:44.66)
Mm-mm.

This one is for my troubadour.

Kristin (28:55.906)
Does the earth turning know of my dream burning? The tale of your testimony, the rising from the ashes, wings hell bent on spreading the gospel of your recovery. I sobbed, threw punches into pillows, then laughed at a song spurred memory, till reality brought me again to my knees. I grieved the hope of you shedding the dope.

But I understood why you wanted it to cope. I loved you using or not. And I knew, hell I know, the unspoken demons you fought.

Kristin (29:42.858)
I longed for a turnaround, a turning, a yearning for tuning in, yet the burden of pain drowned and drowned.

Yet you found solace the night they dropped you on the ground and that sulfur river's wind whistling carried your voice to me. Whispering of pieces prevail of you moving my pen from beyond the veil speaking of hellos and a hummingbird's flutter of signs and that shooting stars dart across my heart.

Sister, did I stutter? It's a new day, now get out there and play. Touched by the fingerprint of your phoenix spirit, I wept. I vowed in awe and I rose to my feet. I vowed to speak of life in all its glory, the rhythm, rhyme, and sacred story. So maybe we have no fairy tale bow time, but a power pulsates.

and lies beyond your physical demise in the way that only truth may rise. And I don't know why you dying gifted me a new depth of alive and

Kristin (31:13.634)
My body shudders, shakes, aches and chills.

Kristin (31:20.62)
for you, this grief, this love expanded my capacity to feel.

My brother.

Consider your message told with all my heart and soul.

Kristin (31:44.462)
All right.

Kristin (31:50.296)
I love you, Larry.

Kristin (31:54.678)
I'm sending love to all of his loved ones, his children. Helena. I'm not sure. I don't even know the name of his other son right now. It's slipping my mind. And his son's name, Phoenix. know they're reunited. Phoenix probably ran to him as he crossed over. And that brings me a little joy too.

that he's with his son again.

Kristin (32:31.308)
I love you, listener. This one's gonna be short and sweet. I've got a dinner to get to and I want to honor my commitment to continue to show up for you and share and speak and scream into the ethers if I have to.

Kristin (32:58.318)
I'm a keep on trucking. Keep on trucking. I love you from wherever you're tuning into whatever you're doing. Keep on going and I love you. love you. I love you.