Sex, Drugs, & Soul
Welcome to Sex, Drugs, & Soul, where the sacred gets spicy, the growth gets real, and the self-discovery comes with a side of mischief. I’m Kristin Birdwell, author, host, & playful professional line-blurrer between the profane and the profound.
On this podcast, we break the rules, shed the shame, and get intimate through vulnerable conversations, sensual explorations, aaaand the occasional existential crisis.
I bring raw stories, deep wisdom, and unfiltered conversations with fellow seekers, sensual enthusiasts, experts, and pleasure revolutionaries. We’re talking sexuality, self-expression, psychedelics, spirituality, and all the beautifully messy things that make us human.
If you’re ready to rewrite your story, drop the ‘shoulds,’ and live a life that turns you on… join me for a fun ride of inspiration and reclamation.
IG: @kristinbirdwell_ | kristinbirdwell.com
YT: @SexDrugsSoul
Sex, Drugs, & Soul
55. Flexing After Cancer: Strength, Motherhood, & The Stories That Heal Us with Tricia Totten
At 59, Tricia Totten is a wife of 30 years, mother of two wonderful adults, fitness enthusiast, and a breast cancer survivor who shares her life experience in an effort to help others navigate a cancer diagnosis and other life setbacks.
In this episode, Tricia and I share how cancer has impacted our lives in different capacities. With her seven years cancer-free and my dad passing from liver cancer eleven years ago, this conversation intends to represent both sides of those affected by cancer and offer support for loved ones going through a difficult time.
Watch the full episode on YouTube.
We share and explore...
- Our diagnosis day stories aka a day our lives changed forever
- The importance of prioritizing relationships, expressing love and gratitude, & being more vocal about our experiences and emotions
- How being intentional in our connections and conversations can make a significant impact on our loved ones
- Creating a safe space for loved ones to share their emotions without judgment
- PTSD and scan-xiety
- Thoughts on death & the afterlife
- How the passing of a loved one can bring moments of profound connection and reflection
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Kristin's Best-Selling Book:
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I'm Kristen Birdwell and this is Sex, Drugs, and Soul. Ah, today I'm very excited because I have a person and a topic near and dear to my heart. And even just the thoughts of it bring tears to my eyes or like make my heart pitter patter a little bit more. So Tricia, I'm just gonna dive in a little bit. Yesterday I was at an acupuncture session and with my healer, so she was like talking to me and we were talking about death and cancer and my dad, and then she, I don't know how she got on the subject of this, but she's like, you know. I guess she was talking about sharing stories and um holding uh or offering healing space. And she told me, she's like, you know, every time that I have someone come in here with breast cancer, um, I always think about this one woman that told me this story or this um how she felt about all of the opinions and stuff that she gets from other people. She said um that the woman told her, All of my girlfriends have opinions on this or that. And the only person that I want to hear advice from is someone who has been through it and someone who has walked the path. And I just think that that speaks leaps and bounds because I know you're birthing your story into the world. And so welcome, Trisha Totten.
unknown:Thank you.
Tricia:Flexing after cancer. Thank you. Thank you. I'm so happy to be here with you. Sharing my story has been healing for me from day one. And I'm just hope that I am sharing what will inspire and motivate and help bring others who are going through breast cancer into a good solid space with themselves and with everything that they have to endure.
Kristin:Oh, I have full confidence in your ability to do that. Um, you know, cancer has affected both of our lives in different capacities. I lost my dad to liver cancer. You've been through uh breast cancer and now are on the other side of it. I'm I'm hoping that this episode also offers a conversation for support for loved ones of both sides. Like kind of in a way, if I were talking about my dad's journey and how I felt and experiences through that, and then maybe how you would talk to your family or kids or loved ones, um, or any or of any of those people that you would offer what to support to that have maybe just been diagnosed or want to offer support for the loved ones in that scenario.
Tricia:I love it. I love it because I feel like it is an area that is not talked about a whole lot. I feel like it's kind of um a neglected piece of it all, and I think it's a very important one. And I don't think I really even have had time or opportunity to really step back and say, well, what were my loved ones going through? I know it had to be hard, and it wasn't until you and I kind of started talking about it that I go, it was a light bulb, and I go, gosh, I don't know that I, you know, when we talked about the moment that I shared my story or shared the diagnosis with my kids, neither my husband or I can remember exactly the moment that we told them. And I think it was so hard for us to find the words. I mean, there must have been some kind of I mean trauma associated with we subconsciously buried that that moment in time. So I'd be very curious. Um, I feel like when we told my son we because they weren't together, Sean was at ET and my daughter had just graduated, so she was here in Houston. So I feel like we had to tell them separately, and I think I can remember more telling my son in his dorm room, and I feel like it was here in the kitchen that we told my daughter, but I can't remember the exact moment and time. I know that um right after I got diagnosed, and I I mean, I'm sorry, right after I found out that I was this was real. We talked about this do I, you know, mortality. You immediately go to mortality, and it's like I started thinking, what does that really even mean to me? Because I think it is something different for everyone, depending on your upbringing, what you believe, what you you know. So for me, all I could think about was because for me, I'm not afraid to die, so to speak. I do believe in eternal life, I do believe in a heaven of some sort, and but the thought of leaving my kids, that is what you know, that is the you can't even put into words. So I know that for you being on the other end, um, I feel like we can have a really intimate conversation about how that was for you on the receiving end of all of this, and how your worst nightmare obviously came um to reality. Um and if I we can share our stories together and help other people figure out a way to connect during this precious time because time is the biggest thing that was on my mind the minute I was diagnosed. Time, it is never meant the same to me from that moment. So I know that your father felt the same, and I know that every moment that he spent with you, he considered it a blessing.
Kristin:You know, and even speaking to that brings tears to my eyes because I had never looked at it through that lens. Like I like the day that I found out, and I can, and well, I'll expand on the story of that moment, but um just having the the idea or notion. I know that there were several, you know, things throughout his journey that I know he wanted to protect me or make me not worry, but um, for him to have those same thoughts, and that just really is heart, heartwarming.
Tricia:And our children are the most precious things, and I mean they are truly a gift, and I didn't regret I was a stay-at-home mom, and you have this moment where it's like just in the movies where you have a flash of your life, you know, kind of go through your mind. You see all of this, and it's just like one big blur. And I had a big hunk of my time at home with my kids, and that was the most precious thing to have and to hold in my heart as I went through all of this because I had no regret. Being a mom, I realized at that moment how much I loved being their mom. It was just like, you know, every minute that we had, you know, I was room mom and I was, I was just, I was like, what do you call it? Um, a helicopter, actually special ops helicopter parent. I mean, I was there. I was the first one in line to pick them up from school. I was, you know, lunch, take them lunch three days a week and you know, walk it into the you know, front round, um, what do you call it, the office and wait for them to come get it. And, you know, so and I and I loved every minute of that. And that was one of the most beautiful gifts to have to hold on to.
Kristin:You know, I think that also not only does that help support cancer and loved ones and people affected by cancer, I think it also gives just like a little extra support for stay-at-home moms, because I feel like that's the hardest job in the world to raise um, you know, children into the world. And I don't know what all goes into that. I was only on the receiving end of it. But but to like have them be, you know, um, I would I'm not the word I want to say is like quality adults, but like, but like with all the tools and there's tool belt that they need and to feel loved and supported along the way so that they when they leave the nest, they'll be able to fly and all of that. Right. And I think that a lot of times stay at mom's um job is overlooked or is not given as much weight or credit that it deserves. And so I just love that you highlight that too. I love to share both of our like diagnosis stories too, or like the day that our lives changed in both in different manners. So if you want to start with yours, I'll share mine after.
Tricia:So I had like two part one and part two of my the day I found out because I I actually found the lump at a well woman checkup. Everything was going fine, and she was finishing up her exam and she felt the mass on my left breast, and she's like, What is that? And I'm like, I don't know. And she's like, Well, you need to go get that checked out, like yesterday. And so she was um aggressively making sure I got all the right, you know, phone numbers and contacts and everything. So she got us in there, and so in a couple of days, as soon as she found that, I remember calling Jeff, and this was kind of significant because I think we need to recognize that we all handle this stuff in our own way. Yeah, every single person, every single person in your family is going to handle it differently because and it may surprise you at how everyone uniquely handles their piece of it. I immediately think I went into we both went into self-protection mode because, but I was like, I need to wrap my head around this because this might be real. So I started that, you know, what are you gonna do? How are you gonna do this? So I started with this might be real. My husband started with, no way, this is not gonna happen. Yeah, this is not, you know, so that was his mindset. He was in that self-protection in denial. I was in acceptance of okay, this might be real. You need to figure out how this is gonna work. So when we found out that it was, he was not ready. He like lost it. And I will never forget the look on his face. It was a look that I had never seen him look so scared in our entire. I mean, at that point, we were probably married 20 years, so it was hard to watch because I saw I saw fear and I saw love at the same time, and it was beautiful and scary at the same time. I was already somewhat prepared for it, so I, you know, he got very emotional, and I was like comforting him at that point, it's gonna be okay. I, you know, we got this, it's early. So um, that was kind of it in a nutshell. So it was all very fast, it was all you're inundated with emotion and you're trying to process, and how am I gonna tell people? So, um how long did y'all wait to tell? It was only a couple of days. Oh, to the kids?
Kristin:I'm sorry. Yeah, to the kids.
Tricia:That's what we can't remember.
Kristin:Oh, yeah, that is interesting.
Tricia:I don't remember. I really would like to. I I haven't asked them yet. I wanted to to you know do the podcast first and you know, maybe share it with them and see if they want to fill in the glass gaps. I'm not gonna press them for it. I feel like I I want to respect them in that way. I do feel that it would be helpful to kind of maybe go back in time and try to remember some of that stuff, but it's their journey and with it, and I can't, I don't want to push if they're not ready to do it.
Kristin:Yeah, yeah. I think that's respectful too. So tell me how yeah, so I'll say a couple of things. Like, one, I was I was always worried about my dad's health growing up. Like I would be riding in his 18-wheeler. Um, maybe I wasn't supposed to be there, I don't know, but I felt like a big girl because I got to ride with him in his big truck. And but he would smoke sometimes, and I'm like, Dad, that's not good for you. So I I I just and there's a there's an interesting intuitive knowing, and I don't know if it's because I I believe we kind of maybe have signed up, made some agreements before we came into this lifetime about about how to help and heal the world together. You know, then of course, like when you're born, you forget about it. Uh that I had a sense that he was gonna leave me early. Um, that could have been also ancestral because he lost his dad at 14. And so I don't know if there's just like some kind of something in the cells or DNA that that that's what I don't know. But I was living in LA at the time, I want to say it was 20, the beginning of 2020, no, 2011. A little bit further ago, 2011. Um, and he had called me a couple of times and was like, that's odd. Like my dad was like, just he would text, we would call, but um, to call me twice back to back and leave a voicemail, I was like, that's odd, like something's up. And so I'm from what I remember, I was on the beach and I called him, and I um he was like, Hey kiddo, and like we're talking about the Super Bowl or something like that, you know, just kind of he's like I'm like chatting about football, and I'm like, what's really going on though? And he's like, So I went to the doctor and they found a couple of tumors on my liver. And I was like, I just like kind of stopped in my tracks. I was like, tumors. I'm like, what do you what do you mean? He's like, tumor. I was like, is it cancer? And he's like, well, if it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and um looks like a duck, it's probably a duck. And um, and then I just remember like hearing that, and um, it's like everything went black and white. Like life lost its color, life lost a bit of its luster. I immediately was like, I started crying. He's like, Don't cry. I'm like, you're my dad. And um, and then I we I think I can't remember if we chatted for what we may have chatted about afterwards, but I immediately like hung up the phone and went to my apartment building. And um I was like, I need to I need to transfer my lease back to a complex and a property, you know, a sister property of theirs in Dallas. Um, and then I was like, my dad had my dad has cancer, and that was the first word, the first time I'd ever said that word or said it aloud. Yeah, and that, and I and by the time I had I had collected myself by then, but when I said that word, I burst into tears. And and then so within two weeks, I was like back in Dallas and I wanted to spend as much time as possible and support through the treatment how I could in some ways, and in some ways, like also deny it, probably, because I never asked what what type, I mean not what um type, but like how bad or what stage. Um, I don't think I wanted to know the answer, and I don't think it was like just freely given because he didn't want me to be worried either.
Tricia:I think that's exactly what it was. Don't think my kids ever really pushed to know more about what it was. I don't know if they Googled, of course, you know, anything on the side, but to me, they never said, you know, tell me more about this. I feel like we were, you know, to hear you share your story. I feel like maybe we all want to protect like ourselves and we want to protect each other.
Kristin:And so we're all to denial.
Tricia:Yeah, so we're all self-protecting, we're self-protecting, we're trying to protect because I know they wanted to protect mom too. They didn't want mom to worry about them. And I think they said that even um both of them at different times, but they didn't want me to worry about them. They they wanted me to get better, and um, so they didn't really inquire a whole lot about everything that was going on. Um, they did not go with me to doctors' appointments or you know, any of the chemo treatments, and I didn't expect, like I said, Sean was still in uh finishing out his um, I think he was a junior at the time at UT and Taylor was just starting a new job, and so and I had Jeff. So my husband, you know, he was he was like he I he would not let me go to an appointment by myself. So I was very blessed in that way. But I just I find it interesting how that's love. I mean, that is how awesome it is, and and and it's unfortunate that so many people wait until something like this happens in their family to really see what we mean to each other. And I think that might be one of our messages here to everybody who may have not experienced it in your life. Um, if it hasn't touched your life right now, take the opportunity to start doing all the right things. Start make doing the practicing the gratitude to make sure that you put the your priorities or you know, your priorities are in line with what is important to you. And you know, in at the end of the day, you can ask yourself, I mean, when you go to bed at night, what is the most important thing to me? Did I address those things? Did those people hear from me? Do I know that they are all okay?
Kristin:So true. And I remember reading something or listening, watching a video, or gathered the information somewhere, and it really made me put a little things in perspective, especially like with mainly seeing my family um uh around like holidays or maybe maybe two or three times a year. Let's just say like one or two times, just for like maybe easy calculations. But they're like, if you have them for X amount of years left, just say like the average is what 75, 80 years or something. We've done that. I know my number. Yeah, then you yeah, then you have yeah, then you have these special moments. I bet you do because I have my number.
Tricia:About 8,000. My husband's is about what is his like five, something, five or six. So yeah, it puts things in perspective. Um, you know, and then when you think about for me, my my parents have exceeded the age that life expectancy. So every day is truly a freaking gift, and so I am fortunate to be close and um make sure that I get over there and see them, and because I know it's like that number is not very big.
Kristin:So I know my my grandma's 94, and every time I go back to spend time with her and play games or or just hang out, I'm like, put the phone down, soak up every moment. If you're gonna have the phone nearby, just have to be able to do that. You have to be intentional, yeah. Maybe, maybe to record some of the stories or conversations, you know. Yeah, but you have to be yeah.
Tricia:That's that would be a really good idea. Um, especially, you know, as a writer, I would definitely start doing that because yeah, we forget. We forget. I mean, we don't forget the love, you don't forget how that love made you feel, but you forget some of the stories. They just, you know, there's just so Much in our brain we can hold and recall, I think. So that's important to do.
Kristin:I think so too. And like I I've started to write down some of her stories, but I want uh yeah, and it's like someone with my dad too, especially because it is my dad's mom that is still alive, like you know, in 94. Um, and so that was that's been an interesting um journey to go on together, too. Having lost her son, having me lost my dad, um, and being there that day together too. I don't it definitely it in a way it brought us closer. Um, I would say that.
Tricia:To your dad or to your grandma?
Kristin:To my grandma, like I was always grandma. Yeah, I was always close, but to have that shared experience of loss and to be there in those like crucial moments, especially towards the end, because it was mainly like her, me, and then my dad that would go, and I guess maybe some of my his wife at the time, on the some of the treatments and stuff. But um I'm curious, like if there was any other way that you would have wanted to be supported in that moment um by you know, but beyond loved ones, maybe it's friends, maybe it's like close circle or community.
Tricia:You know, I've thought about this and truly the thing I needed most was space. I needed space to process internally what was going on. I needed to be able to tap into what we need the most. And what we need the most at that time is to go inside and find our inner strength. Because without that, all the support from the outside won't matter. We gotta go inside, we gotta find that strength, that courage, that determination, that person that we were created to be, because we are all created with strength and endurance and faith and hope. All of that is inside of us, and most of us spend our lives going through all these little things in life, all these little setbacks and all these little you know, distractions and and and hurts and hurtful moments and all of that stuff builds that resistance inside of us. So we I had to go and find that Trisha inside and go, okay, she's been through some shit. She's been through some shit. I mean, it's not and I was had a blessed life, you know, don't get me wrong. I beautiful childhood. Um, was it perfect? No. But I went through things that everybody goes through. We all go through those bad relationships that feel devastating, and heart, we've had our hearts broken, and we've we've climbed our way back up and we've, you know, educated ourselves and all those things that nobody can take away that we talk about. I think there's a quote or saying, you know, work on the things that can't be taken away, because those are the things that you need in a crisis like cancer. Those are the things. My my the my workout routine, my determinate, everything I learned by working out, everything that I'd learned, you know, in nursing school by educating myself, everything that I'd learned by figuring out the best way to be a parent, and you know, not that I was perfect because I made a lot of mistakes, and I want to make sure my kids know I recognize I made a lot of mistakes. Um, and in my marriage, but I had to go find that first. And that space in the same way that you need, you need that space to unload. I needed to be able to say all of these negative feelings that were the feelings of um victim, being a victim in all of this and and sadness and fear. And I needed a place to just dump it without being judged. And I they gave that to me. They they they they probably didn't even know they were doing it. So I want to make sure they know now, in retrospect, I had all of that. They were all very good. Um, my friends, my my immediate family, my husband, my son, my daughter, my mom, my dad, my sister, my brother, my friends, my Instagram followers. You know, it was it was they were all doing exactly what they needed to do on in social media. They gave me the space to share my story, they rallied there, they supported me, they were so encouraging. Um, so that's what I needed the most. I needed that space to be able to be free with my feelings, to be to have the um option of whether or not I wanted to talk about it, which you know, we usually do that for our loved ones. Um, but I've said it before, I think I've I've about how we just can't not try. You can't be afraid to feel it out because we're all different. Not everybody's gonna be the way I just explained, you're gonna have to just not be afraid to questions, and you know, not don't be afraid if you don't get the answer that you're looking for. Because in those moments when you're trying to process these feelings of fear and when you're in all those dark places, you don't know how to process this. Nobody, nobody does, and that's important to recognize too. There's no perfect way to deal with cancer as uh as the loved one, as a caregiver, or as the patient. There's there's no right way.
Kristin:And just do our best, try our best. You have to do your best, just try our best, give it our best shot.
Tricia:Give it your best.
Kristin:You know, I I remember going home and been like high tailing it home to like get to my dad. But I also didn't want him to think that I thought of him any differently, like any less strong, any less like Mr. Can fix anything in the world for me, Mr. Pillar of Support. And I I I kind of intuitively or or maybe thought, and maybe this was a combination of like thought that I didn't want to make him talk about anything that he didn't want to talk about or me look at, you know, or have those feelings. So I was like, you know what, I'm gonna go spend time with him. This this first time I'm gonna give him at least one more time without talking about cancer or mentioning the C-word or like asking about you know, the process or the journey, and like just like really soak up the time that we had. We like went to Rhoda's Harley and went to get ice cream and just like tinkered around and hung out and um like chatted about like probably my love life or something and chatting and chatting and because I think he at the time he asked me if I was still dating grandpa, and so which is a guy that was older than me. And um, and just like just you know, being like our little selves and then just really taking soaking it up because I was like, you know, I want to give him that freedom to like live in that it maybe maybe it's not true, and maybe I also wanted to be in that moment that it wasn't true at least one more time. Um, because then after that it was like, How are you feeling? and like like treatments and what in being you know hopeful for being on the donor or you know, that sort of thing, and kind of like navigating that over the two next two years. Um it was two years, yeah, yeah, 2011 to 2013. And then you stayed in the area for those two years for most of it, actually, like towards the end of um in January or February of 2013. I went and had a conversation because I was being I had a yearning to to go back to California and continue like pursuing my storytelling dreams. And so I went and I was like, Dad, I want to talk to you about something. Um, and the first time I went, he was like, You're going to the land of the fruits and nuts, like I'm never gonna see you again, and all this stuff. And he was Texans, yeah, yes, yes, and conservative like the whole nine, but like um, you know, just like a grumpy old man, and and like product of his his childhood and raising. But um, so I but then I went go back to him to talk to him the second time, and he's like, you know, Kristen, sometimes you have to do things without worrying about making everybody else happy. And I was like, that might be some of the best advice my dad's ever given me. Basically, his blessing, and you know, in that time there's so much people pleasing my life. I didn't see it. He maybe saw that I was like doing those different things or earning love or that sort of thing. But it was a blessing, and then I so I moved, and then within a few weeks, I got the call that um, you know, things were we had a conversation that he was gonna come out and take bring his motorcycle and we were gonna go up PCH and and that sort of thing. But within like two weeks, a week or two after that phone call, my grandma called me and was like, You might want to come home soon. And I was like, Well, what is soon? And soon can be tomorrow, soon can be like a month from now. Um, and she's like, Well, he's not eating. And I knew that when she told me that he wasn't eating, that it was it was sooner than I ever wanted, and then so I hopped on the the next plane, uh like 6 a.m. flight and flew, and then again, like hazard-lax driving to to get there.
Tricia:Did you notice any significant changes in his personality during that time? I mean, I wonder if there's things that I was changing about myself during that time. I mean, was there anything that you were like, okay, this was it?
Kristin:For me, yeah. Um, I noticed things like a couple of times, especially like the last six months to a year, like when um I would notice that he started opening up more and telling me more about his childhood or more just like I'm like, ooh, that's interesting. Like, my dad's like been this, you know, still raw, still waters run deep. But he's but he was just like very reserved and like didn't uh didn't really like tell me a bunch. I always longed to hear all of his stories. Um my mom had always given me hers, and like I would be just like, one more, mama, one more, mama just like tell me more. So I wanted all of his, and I don't know if he was proud of all of his because you know there was some little rough around the edges, little rebel. Yeah, um, like God, that's honestly from somewhere. And um, but I will say, I gave him this book to fill out, and it was a and it's my most prized possession that I have, and I have it like right above my desk right here, and it's this little book of stories and questions that he could handwrite because I was like, maybe it'll be easier for him to write it than speak it. I know it's easier for me to write it, um, or at least especially that was especially true then. Like it's gotten easier for me to speak speak into my emotions now. Um, but and so like on my birthday, the year, I guess, before he died, he gave it to me. And like it's the it it I read, I still have like profound moments when I read and open it. Like the other day, I don't know if I told you that I opened it that my whole life I was like wanting to make him proud, and and like I would get good eight straight A's, and I just I just had this sense of like I want him to be proud of me. And um, then there's a question in that book that's like, what were some of the things that made you the most proud, or what you're most proud of about your life, and that sort of thing. And he said, The day that my brother and I were born, and the day I graduated college, and then I just had a moment, I was like, huh. I never had to earn any of that pride. He was proud of me from birth. Right? Great, great, yeah.
Tricia:We take for granted that our kids know that, yes, because I you would think that they knew that. You should have known that.
Kristin:No, no, I do, but and that's in some ways, I will say, and I I just want to speak into this that in some ways my dad and I's relationship have grown, has grown leaps and bounds since his death. Like I I learned different awarenesses that came up, like that I was projecting a sense of you know, not accepting or that sort of thing. But I had to accept myself. It like he had seen me for who I was the whole time. And yes, it totally starts with us.
Tricia:I mean, I you know, and I'm 59, Kristen, and I am still uncovering childhood suppressed crap. And I'm like, I mean, these light bulbs go off, and I'm like, holy shit, that's why I do that. You know, it's like, you know, it's like, okay, I'm fortunate that, you know, and we we all have we all as women, we all want to have that plea pleasing our dad, Gene. We all want to please daddy. Um, and I never questioned that he's been proud of me, but um, you know, there was just things about our relationship because we're so much alike, you know, um, that we always as a teenager, you know, and now it's funny because we sit at dinner and we'll have the same weird kind of habits, you know, we're both like spraying our hands with the we're very germophobes and it's very cute that way. But you know, it's beautiful that and that's I think what when I speak about love and it's existing, I don't think it ever goes away. And you're speaking exactly to that, you're actually growing closer to your dad after he's passed this life. Yeah, I'm and I believe that it's not gonna stop here. I think the more you as you continue to grow and age, you'll start realizing different things. And I think every single time you read that book, it'll mean something different to you.
Kristin:Oh, for sure. And and then I just kept these little moments. I read this book called Signs, and it's about creating relationships with people that passed on and um or like asking for signs. Um, and so we I have this agreement that every time I hear Credence Clear Water, I know he's with me because I he would always play that in his shop, like while he's tinkering on things, and um, and of course, now it's like some of my favorite songs, the what those oldies that I used to hate growing up that we listen to all the time. Like I absolutely love now, and I'm like, of course, but I had a shit day on Monday. I mean, just one of those days where it's like you know, I was like, ugh, like frustrating, and you know, I found a new boundary because I like crossed it with myself, and I was like, no. And so, but I go to Target to get a couple things, and then faintly on the intercom or like music, you know. You heard the song, yes. And I was like, thank you. I was like, it just it just brought tears to my eyes. It's like thank you. Um, and whether that's like true or not, or me making up things or assigning meaning to things, it's it's whatever. It's it's what makes me walk this path a little lighter and with more love. I I completely discredit or they can give it credit, it works for me.
Tricia:Exactly, exactly. Oh, I believe in that. I mean, every time I see um my grandmother loved birds, and I mean the week she passed, I mean, I would see these very out of um, they aren't typically uh in our yard, but I saw like a crane and a duck.
Kristin:And you know, my grandmother's coming to see me. And then she did she pass from natural causes or cancer? Yes, she was 99. Okay.
Tricia:Oh, 99! She was 99. Dang! She lived by herself for the last 30 years or something like that. She lived alone. Um, she was amazing.
Kristin:Yeah, she was amazing. A little firecracker. Um, you know, and speaking of like the death, I mean, like, did you go there? I know we spoke briefly before and like not on this podcast of how like being brought to those like moments and critical moments with cancer can be like putt lighting kerosene on a fire for life, um, and like making us more appreciative for the times that we have. Um, did you think about your death? Did you did it prep you for it?
Tricia:Did you immediately immediately that is the first thing you think of, and it's kind of weird. I think I almost went into a you know, they talk about nesting for when you're pregnant. You know, I feel like I feel like I started nesting again because that was probably exactly what it was. I wanted, you know, you got these boxes of all my kids' school work and their artwork and all their little handprints from kindergarten and you know, all these little things and photo albums. I mean, I'm sorry, I didn't even have them in photo albums. They were just boxes of photos that I had all over the place. And it was like, okay, I need to go through all these photos. I organized them, I made photo albums. I went through these boxes and tried to separate was not, you know, keepable. There was a lot of the school stuff that I was like, okay, you gotta keep this. And I shrunk the shrunk it down a lot because I wanted it to be something that they could store easily and not a lot of clutter. So I was doing things like that, but I was like, okay, I'm doing this because I was getting ready for the worst. If if if I don't make it this year, you know, I remember I did a lot of, you know, to my knees bargaining, you know, when you do that, you know, if God, if you just give me more time, I want to see Sean graduate. I want to see Taylor, you know, just keep succeeding at work and just become her a beautiful woman and all of that stuff. And so yeah, and again, it comes back to I just didn't want to leave that. Yeah, you don't want to leave. And I know that that was the scariest part that your dad had to feel. It wasn't about, you know, I don't I didn't know him. I know what you've just told me, and I know you. So I think that um I don't think he was afraid to die, he was afraid to lose you and leave you and your brother. You need him. The thought of you needing him and him not being here is what is terrifying. So I think you need to reflect on how proud he must be of you and how much you are doing for this world. And I mean, just the person that you've you are becoming, I think you need to um and that should bring you closer to him too.
Kristin:You know, I actually it's interesting that you say that and I'll receive that those flowers, but I wrote a list of um because sometimes I don't give myself as much credit as like I feel like I need to, or um, that other people say are giving. And then I wrote a list of like I don't either. You know, I I wrote a list of awards and accolades and just things that I've done or trainings and accomplishments, and and I was like, shit, I've done a lot more than I'd give myself credit. That's another thing she said in that session yesterday. It was like an acupuncture slash massage slash healing Reiki session. Fantastic at Alive and Well. Like, yeah, totally highly recommend. Yeah, yeah, her name is Cindy. Yeah, she's great. Um, I'll share the contact information with you. Um, and she's like, Your dad was so proud. Like, how can you think any different? And she told me this beautiful story of how, you know, whenever she was giving birth to her children in the room and like Pete, there's people there, and like everyone's like, Oh, he there, he's here, you know, he's here. Whenever she gives birth to her son, like, da da da. She's like, I think it's just like that on the other side. He's here, and loved ones are there, and like, and I just love that imagery and and just about like the afterlife. Yeah. Um, and so that is like gave me because I will say, you know, I I've had a lot of loss in my life and like a lot of um meetings with death. And so I kind of I'm with you that I feel like I don't fear death, or maybe I fear like the type of dying in some ways. If it's I don't I don't want it to be painful or or that sort of thing. Right. Um, or the or how my loved ones would feel when I'm gone. Um, but as far as like the actual dying or like uh beyond death, like I I don't fear that. Um and I think now things are becoming clearer more to the surface that I'm that I'm helping people like through that process, like with my neighbor who lost his wife a year and a half ago, like we share time and space together, and uh he lost his lost his wife to cancer, and he's opening up to me and being emotional. I'm like, okay, this is part of the reason why one of the gifts I think I found through grief is to be able to offer space in that capacity, and that's a gift that my dad gave me. Yes, and and I don't know exactly where I was going with this, but but I guess oh death. I I would say I would I was prepping myself in some ways, like for the day that he would he was gonna be gone. Um, but uh the no amount of prepping that I did prepared me for that moment whenever like he's I'm hearing the death rattle, and you know, like I he comes to for a little bit, gives me his token smile, goes back under, like and like and then the physical loss of him. And I will say he was very determined to communicate his love even in the afterlife, too, because he came to me in dreams, he came to me in like golden apparitions, and I was stone cold sober um in my apartment. Like, I mean, which is a valid question, and then for my life of choices, but um, yeah, I woke up feeling like someone was in my apartment one night, and there's a six-five golden apparition, and I was like, wow, just kind of faded off into the ethers.
Tricia:If love, if um, if we are energy, right? If we're energy and energy is never lost, true, where where do we go? Yeah, I think that's a good thing. That's why I'm saying I still feel my grandmother. I still I mean, I'm not saying that she's a ghost walking around. I don't believe that. I believe that there's something that we can't even wrap our minds around, there's something we can't conceive in that spirit, for lack of a better, I mean, that what else would you spirit? There's a there's something that is that's there, and I think that we just have to remember that, you know. If when when we lose a loved one, we have to remember that we can still keep them near and dear to our heart, we can keep them alive by talking about them. Talking about them, please. Yeah, like how you're talking about your dad. I mean, he's still alive. How can we say he's not? He's he doesn't exist in this moment, he is irrelevant, you know, in this moment, in this conversation.
Kristin:And this conversation, and I think in some ways, like have sharing so much of our story in my book was a way like he didn't he didn't have the opportunity or to or he didn't make the choice or take the time to write his book or share his story or leave his mark on the world, but you know, through my sharing of the story, like he he's he's he's now there's a piece of him that will live on history and and have his legacy shared, um which I think is a beautiful part of storytelling. And I wish that because I would say that with cancer and grief and dying, I I I would have loved the opportunities to speak about him more or share those memories in the beginning. I feel like sometimes people tiptoe around some of those subjects. Yes, and like um, and it's probably then it's probably coming from a good place of not wanting to harm or in induce anxiety or they just don't know it.
Tricia:That's they don't know, and that's why this podcast is so important that we bring attention to it. It's just one of the things in the breast cancer community, in the cancer community, you know, that I'm connected with on social media and just people that I talk to, nobody knows what to say and what the right they want to be helpful. That's the bottom line. Everybody wants to be helpful, they just don't know how. And the answer is nobody knows how either. You just have to try.
Kristin:That's just the thing that you have to try, even saying that like communicating, like, hey, I don't I want to help you or support you through this process, but I don't know what that is.
Tricia:So if you can help me by by communicating what you need or what you would like, and the and the other piece is that I couldn't even have yeah, I couldn't have told you what I needed back then. I only know looking, you know, yeah, hindsight what it was what I needed. And you know, I I was like, okay, I went back in time and I'm like, what did I really need at that moment? Because I want to help people too. I've had so many people say, you know, I just my sister just got diagnosed, my you know, um, my niece just got diagnosed, my mom, you know, so what I don't know what to do. I'm not there in the town, the same city as she is, you know, what do I do? And I think one of the best pieces of advice I can give for the people who aren't like physically close is the encouraging words, yeah, because those go a long way. I had amazing, I mean I really didn't know the tribe of badass people I had around me until that moment. I mean, I had so many people, loud people, so you can love them loudly from wherever you are. So loving them loudly would be just lifting them up because they're gonna cycle in and out of these feelings. They're gonna feel like you know, crap one day, and just like this is it, why me? Why we, my me, why does this happen to me? Till you know, oh, I got it. I know I'm gonna be okay. I'm gonna be okay, no, why me? You know, so it's like constant up and down. I mean, it's bad. It is, yeah. I mean, roller coaster doesn't even give it justice, but you can love them so loudly from wherever you are. And um, I had that phone call where I would get a call from one of my girlfriends, and she would say, Trisha, you are going to beat the shit out of this. And I know you are, I've seen it, you know, and I know, I know you. This is not you, this is not gonna break you. And so even if if I wasn't receiving it at that moment, those words, you hear them, they go somewhere. So when I was in that dark place, those words are still in my bank, they're still there. So I can go and I can pull some of those things out and I can say, Oh yeah, Bianca said this, Joe said this. You know, all these people, all these uplifting words, I had all of that stored. So you can't get enough of that stuff.
Kristin:Yeah, I think that I think you're spot on that, and I don't know what it is, but I think there's a certain type of power release when other people believe in us, or it just like helps fortify our vision um of like being coming out the other side and that sort of thing. Like, is there is there anything that you'd want people to know about your cancer journey or about be going on the other side, or what helped you get through um beyond like the support from loved ones, or it was happening into what I was born with.
Tricia:You know, we are all born that resilience and with that strength. We just got to go find it because again, like I said in the beginning, it's not gonna do us any good for everybody around us to believe in us if we don't believe in us first. We have to believe in us, and that applies to every aspect of life, not just cancer. Yeah, you know how many times, and we're all so guilty of this, women specifically, you know, we just spoke about it. People are like, you know, you're so awesome, and I hear that a lot. I'm like, you know, Trisha, you're so inspiring. And for the last eight years, I'm like, oh, what do I just think they're being nice? And I'm like, well, if it's been eight years and they're still saying it, maybe it's kind of maybe I am inspiring what you are. So, you know, how if I'm inspiring them, keep doing what I'm doing, and and maybe I can um, you know, turn up the volume a little bit on it and be more helpful. So um, we have to believe that we are all of the things that everybody is saying when they're you know, you get those calls, and people are telling you, you're gonna kick this thing's ass. You are going to come out of the um on the other side of this, and you're gonna be better, you're gonna be stronger, you're gonna be, you know, more put together, and you are gonna be different, yes, but you're gonna be different in a better way, and that's what I want um anybody that hears this is that's going through a battle with cancer or any challenges in life. Start by believing in yourself because it's there. Every single one of us was born with it. You gotta remember that, remember who created you, why you were created. You were created for a purpose, and then you gotta let other people carry you when you can't carry yourself. So do not think that you have to do it all by yourself. We were not meant to do anything by ourselves. That's why there's like how many billions of people on this planet? You know, why don't we know some of those people to our benefit? You know, you know, we're there.
Kristin:I was kind of like giggling on something a little bit the other day because like I I fear losing my independence, and I kind of like and I I am independent in a way in like some of the trend traditional senses of it, but I'm like, actually, though, we're uh as a society and a culture and and humans, like we're so interdependent that the idea of even being independent is like kind of absurd, but I had that hyper-independent trauma response in a way, is you know, and so like but we're all connected, and so we don't have to be islands, we don't have to the more we're connected social media and electronically, the more I feel like we isolate.
Tricia:It's it's it's bad. I know that I I hear a lot about how isolated we are becoming as a society, and I think that we fall into this belief that we have to handle our difficulties and challenges alone because everybody else's life is perfect, right? Everybody else is, you know, their picture perfect, you know, everything is going in sync. And the reality is it's not, it's not like that. And it's amazing to me. Sometimes I will see a social media post, and it's a friend that maybe I haven't seen in a while. So it looks like everything is perfect. And I'm like, let's get together, let's have dinner. So we have dinner, and I'm like, fuck, all that's going on in your life. I mean, it's like it's a it's a it's a post. It's meant to um give you a highlight in time, right? And nobody wants to, nobody wants to be, you know, I'm not saying get out there and just share your sob stories. Nobody wants to see that either. But social media, it's like this show. And um, you know, people try to be authentic, and and I try to be authentic, too, but it's it's a but it's a highlight, no matter how we look at it, you know, the deep dark stuff. Um, so again, going back to giving our loved ones um and friends that space to share their feelings, regardless of what they're going through, whether it's um a an illness or a divorce or a bad breakup, or you know, they lose their job or they're switching jobs, or you know, whatever it is that they're going through, giving people space to share their emotions without judgment, without sharing, yeah, you know, what you what somebody tells you in private, you know, obviously what I'm telling you right now, we're broadcasting, you know. But somebody it is is in an intimate way, don't hold it safe. Respect that. Yeah, respect that because they feel safe enough with you to share those emotions and and respect that. That's an honor. That's an honor, it really is, yeah. And you should think of anyone sharing the um conflicting uh uh emotions with you in that way, um, that it is an honor and that you should hold it near and dear to your heart. And um, you know, don't don't you gotta build that quality, that character in yourself.
Kristin:Integrity, yeah. Yeah, for sure. Um, I know social media stuff keeps coming up. I've talked about it. I'm like, but I do think that podcasts and like this conversation today is definitely offering an authentic, like oh just conversation around like this journey. Um, but it probably will be shared on social media. I'm not poking down about it. No, I'm just because well there it's it has pros and cons. Right?
Tricia:Just like everything else, everything else has I mean, it's all it's all you know, just trying to use it for but used with discernment, yeah.
Kristin:Yes, yes, yeah, and like if you catch yourself like in the comparisonitis, like pause, maybe like take a break and that sort of thing, because there's always things going on behind the scenes because I you know I'm typically known for being so I don't always I I am joyful, I'm angry, I'm sad at times, like I experience it all, but my my default is joy, yeah, or like being happier. But there, you know, there's times in my life where I don't broadcast that uh the the other side of it. Um I share openly and honestly and in my book, but not everybody's gonna read a book, but and even the even some of the authentic or vulnerable moments that I've put on Instagram before, even those have a cute picture. But you know, I'm like I might be giving you a like long caption about like some rough moment or some like some lesson or insight that I've learned. But I do have but I like the photo. Yeah, that's just true.
Tricia:It's perfect. I mean, it's all fun, it's all great, it's all good.
Kristin:But I like too that you said that with just offer a shared or safe space um for people to express without the judgment, and uh you know, and not placing like how you would respect or how you would respond or act in that scenario on them and just like be kind of like a compassionate observer, compassionate listener, you know, because I've I've done that before, yeah.
Tricia:This is what you said um that this lady told you about and the um acupuncture about which right uh about the them kind of sh telling giving you them opinions about what she should do.
Kristin:Yeah, well she just said that you know that the her her patients or clients with breast cancer only really wanted to hear from advice from people who had had who had been through it or had walked or seen the other side.
Tricia:Because everybody had an opinion, yeah, yeah.
Kristin:So and like so and with my the my grief journey, she was saying that it to offer space or with the grief or like loss in general, um, people want to work with or feel safety and someone that's experienced it closely and been and walked that walk to help show them the path too. Yes, um even if that path is just support for sure, for sure.
Tricia:And I want um I'm always available. I don't know everything, but I will always share what I know and what was helpful to me. Um, again, it was me, but we're all different, it's similar. I mean, you could have the exact same diagnosis, the exact same treatment plan, and the you know, the out the same outcome, but it's all gonna be different for every single person because that's just how we're made. We are not in our chemistry, is so like little snowflakes. Yes. So it doesn't, I mean, you can't assume that because this person had these side effects from the treatment that you're gonna have the same. You can't expect that you had the same reaction, you're gonna have the same reaction to medications, and you know, you're just not gonna have the same experience. Um, so you got to keep that in mind too. But you know, it's comforting to hear other people's story because it gives you hope. Oh, had other other women, you know, who were survivors for maybe you know, five years, and I was starting the journey, and that at least go, okay, I can probably get to five years. I can probably get to five years.
Kristin:I can do it. It's important to have those vision totems.
Tricia:Yes, you've got to. So um, so now at eight, I'm like, okay, I just heard someone say it's 27. Oh, nice. I was their mother was just celebrating 27, and that was like one of the first we're like everybody was commenting in the breast cancer community. Thank you for sharing. That gives us so much hope. Yeah, because I mean that's that's a long time, and that's a a beautiful, beautiful something to hold on to um when we're feeling for sure.
Kristin:Because I know you and I have talked a little bit about like the PTSD or skinxiety too, that can come from like okay, you know, you made it to that five-year mark, and um, but like still bringing up those moments of anxiety or fear every time you go back to a doctor's office.
Tricia:Oh, it doesn't even have to be to the doctor's office, it can be like, you know, rubbing my neck and I feel um a lump node, and I'm like, I mean, it takes some energy to dismiss that and go, okay, Tricia, it's not cancer, it's not cancer. If I see, if I get a a cold sore, it's a cancer. You know, it's like seriously. I mean, it's like and it's all everyone has different levels of that. Um, I'm lucky that I don't let myself go there a whole lot. I keep myself very busy in that way. So I'm like, okay, I can pretty much cut that off pretty quickly and go, that's not stop thinking like that. But of course, if I go to the doctor's office and it's not gone away, don't dismiss it. I'm not saying that. If you got something that's not right, definitely have it checked out. But don't start deep diving right away and go, Okay, this is it. I'm done. You know, don't do that.
Kristin:Yeah, no, just it's not it's not how medial I mean, I get the whole I mean, medical anxiety too from a different perspective, too. Um, or just like not or just like, you know, dentists and doctors are like it produces Anxiety on a certain level for me too, and and not haven't had one of those like scary diagnoses. Um, yeah, nobody likes a doctor. Nobody's like, it doesn't have to be so sterile looking. Can it be like a little more warm? A little more. I think of like my gano exams. I'm like, do we can we just do this a little bit like more fun? I think there are there are some places like more holistic places starting to offer certain services in that way. Um but I have a few questions. I know we've gone a little bit over a thing, but I'm totally I have spaciousness, but there's a few questions that I would love to ask you. Um and like for us supposed to share some um for this, like and wrap up. Okay. And one of them um is do you see like through it all, like through all the ups and downs that cancer fortified you today? Yes, yeah, for sure. Yep.
Tricia:I say it every, you know, I I shout it from the mountaintops. Yes, yeah, yes, it was part of my journey, it has helped me be a better mom, better wife, a better sister, a better friend, a better Trisha. It's just, I mean, it has enhanced my life so much, and that is like this, it's crazy to say it out loud. And they used to, my family would get so mad at me because I've said this for many years. I said it, you know, I think right after the treatment. I was like, you know, this was a blessing. And Jeff would go, stop saying that. It's not a blessing. I mean, he would get really angry at me saying it. I'm like, okay. But look at it through my lens. He did not like me saying that at all. But um, but it it he gets it now. He gets it now because I've I think I've had several years to articulate it in a way that he can actually process it. But um, it was not something anybody wanted to initially hear. But yes, you're to that question.
Kristin:Yeah, I'd totally say cancer, um, okay, I would say cancer and grief fortified me for sure. It made me stronger, and I and maybe in the capacity to hold space for others, because there was a long time it's like, why am I experiencing so much loss and pain at such an early age? And um, I've had you know several moments where whether it was like with an ex-partner of mine, ex-boyfriend, um, we for a four and a half, five years, like through that relationship, he lost his mom. And I was like, okay, I was like, well, I can, I was like, I get it. There's just something that's like, oh, this is why. This is part of at least partially why, because I can understand on a deeper level and know that some days he's gonna want to talk about it or not talk about it, and all and I knew how to communicate that and be like, hey, just let me know, like if you want me to be here, if you want me to go outside of the room, if you want me to go to my place, like before we moved in together. And um, just so I kinda knew a little bit in that dynamic, yeah. Yeah, um, and then would you so I wrote also down, do you wish you had done anything differently?
Tricia:You know, that is interesting to think about. I think I would have probably worked a little bit harder to educate myself about how to make a safer space for my family, how to make it safer for my kids to express. And I don't think I was aware of if I was approachable. I wasn't really in a space that I could really tune into where they were with all of this. And that's probably the only thing I I think I would do different, you know, because I don't think that we've had an opportunity to really uncover any trauma that they experienced in any of this. And I don't know if after the fact it's going to be harder for them to identify what that might be, if there's anything, um only they can speak to that, and I won't speak for them, um certainly. But um yeah, I I think that um that would be the thing I would do different. And you?
Kristin:Yeah, yeah, um, there's definitely something I would do differently. Um, I would just spend more time, like just spend more time. I wouldn't, yes, and you're never gonna regret any time that you spent. And I think your loved ones now. Yes, and I know I moved from California to Texas, and but there's a piece of me or an element that it's like I would have loved to have spent more time for sure.
Tricia:We can't regret, we can't regret either neither one of us can regret it because it put us where we're I mean, I do believe that all of that, I don't think that me educating myself and making a little more space for my kids would have um because I think that would have would have been beneficial for everyone. And uh, you know, certainly spending more time with your dad, he would have enjoyed that more. I know you would have learned and um been able to have even more memories of all of that, but you know, we just can't second garse.
Kristin:Oh no, I oh yeah, and I don't mean that in the sense of like beating myself up, but I mean that in if you're if someone is also like have someone with uh any kind of cancer or or something like that. Like a girlfriend of mine, when we first met, I had my dad had been gone maybe two years, and then I want to say at the beginning of 23 is when she lost her dad. And um like before whenever he had been diagnosed and was at cancer, I was I made sure to tell her I was like, Hey, you're never gonna regret any time that you spend with him. So, like, like do do what you can to spend the time.
Tricia:Um exactly, and this comes back to what I said about being a stay-at-home mom. Yeah, I did not regret any of that time. That is the most precious gift you can give your loved ones is time, your time and attention, because you can be in the room and not be present and not be giving them any attention. Yes, that that's a subject is kind of going around my house right now about being present but not present, you know. So um, so yeah, we will never ever regret giving time to our loved ones. What we will regret spending time on is petty, you know, arguments and um, you know, just things that's insignificant things in life that don't matter.
Kristin:So and I will say, like now, like there were moments even like whenever we were hanging out, like going to dinner or something, and that it makes me laugh today, but I remember being so like, I've never met a person more stubborn than me. And it's you. Looks like we were arguing on yeah, we were like arguing on which uh restaurant to go to. And and you know, now that I think about it, I'm like, we did um, I'm like brought or like an in there's an influx of memories of like mom restaurants that we would go to, but it that day particularly that I was coming up, it's like had to be his restaurant, and I'm glad now that it was his restaurant.
Tricia:Because you were traumatized, you know, suppressed trauma about making me go to that restaurant, no, or it was just like, why not this one?
Kristin:Why can't we just go down the road? You know, but we did go to a lot of movies and I did and just like cute little dad and daughter dates. So um that's beautiful things I would never take back. Yeah. Um so I'm glad that it's like having a refresher. Thanks. Yeah. The last question, and I think I might have asked this in kind of in the do you wish you had any done anything differently, just maybe phrased differently, is like, what would you change if anything about the experience?
Tricia:Why would I change differently? I think I probably would have been a little more vocal with everything that I was. I'm I've become more vocal just over the last few years about my story. I shared from day one. I think from the time I had the biopsy, I was posting about it and sharing very openly about what was going on. But I think that I've my my confidence in my story and my um and my confidence in the need to share my story, I think all of that has grown. And if I'd have known that in the beginning, I think that I would have put a little more effort into um sharing the story and writing all of my story down because you know how unorganized um I am. I've got like this much of one journal written in, I got one this much in another journal. And so I've got all these different notebooks and journals and being more organized with my thoughts. So I think that would have helped me to this point be able to share more of what I was going through. Because, you know, at that time at the moment, though, you're just trying to stay above water, you're just trying to make sure that you don't go down in those dark places and you're there doing what you need to do. But it just everything I went through made me appreciate everything so much more. I don't know that you everybody knows this, but you lose one of the things chemo does is you lose taste. It's like you don't so you get this metallic metal kind of taste in your mouth with it. And so for a few months, I couldn't, and coffee is like I'm obsessed with coffee. I love the taste. I mean, coffee ice cream, coffee flavor, anything. Yes, coffee, coffee, coffee. So uh I couldn't taste like it tasted like metal coffee is what it tastes like in other food. It was like, oh, and that took a while to go away. So, you know, things like that, it just made me appreciate my coffee every morning now. I'm like, oh my god, this tastes so good. Savoring it, you know. The other thing, laying in bed um after chemo treatments, your entire body feels like um what is a description I would use? It's like the most uncomfortable, you just can't find comfort anywhere. It's an ache that it's indescribable. And every morning I wake up and I just my bed feels so good, and I'm like, oh, it just feels so good, and you know, and it's just so comfortable, and you don't until you experience something like that. So the experience, you know, has just made me appreciate all the little things in life that we take for granted every day. And you know, you do we just we need to be more make more of an effort to take notice of what we have every day, the little bitty things like how the coffee tastes, yeah, the bed, you know, all of that stuff. So, you know, we we have a lot, we just have to open our eyes and see it.
Kristin:I think there's a quote something like um maybe the reading every no, I'm thinking it's like that's a very tantric way to approach life too, is like the every moment sacred, like just like really savoring the moments, like whether that's with I'm I'm thinking of coffee right now, but it could be coffee, it could be a glass of wine or shared, you know, shared conversations like this one. It could be, you know, like just and now I'm like, okay, I want to feel the like feathers in my duvet, you know, just like snuggle in there.
Tricia:That's what I would recommend everybody do. Do that for Trisha today. Go, yeah, oh nice, and feel your bed and let yourself be present and feel the softness like it's a cloud, you know. I know your bed feel your pillow, and then take your coffee in the morning and think of me and your dad. And wrap down three, yeah.
Kristin:Yes, write down those gratitude. I love that. Is there anything else that you'd want to share? I think we covered it all. Yeah, yeah, I think we did too. And I would just echo you on vo uh being vocal of my emotions or feelings. Um, I just would like express it, express it more. Yes. Um, that's how yeah, uh just express their emotions and love and and that sort of thing. All right. Well, you can find Trisha on Instagram at Flexing After Cancer, correct? Yes, flexing after and I'll put it in the show notes and all of that stuff too. Thank you so much.
Tricia:All right, yes. All right, bye.